flashback766

The TWoP OC Fic Challenge

2004-06-08T05:40:41Z

Here is a Ryan/Seth non-slash story written for the TWoP Fiction Challenge. The assignment was to write a story that explains why Ryan and Seth are such a good match.

Written for Kareny.

My two sentences were

1) A story that involves the model home, ideally set around the time of the model home episode. Must include references to foster care and to Theresa. Must include one scene in juvie that we didn't see on the show. No more than five lines for Marissa, and no slash.

2) A story that explains why Ryan and Seth are such a good match. Without being
slash. (Why not? Because I want to read well-written canon stuff, that's why
not!)

I was going to write the first one but I’ve just spent so much time in the Model Home with Ghost that I feel like a permanent resident. And Walter and Maud have set such a standard for jailhouse drama that I feel like they own that particular genre. So here is story #2. Why Ryan and Seth are such a good match, totally platonic, damnit, platonic. It is a missing scene following The Gamble because I’m wallowing in early Ryan these days.

Blue Morning
By
Flash Back

I’ll unpack later.

Saying that was easier than “thank you”’ and it meant the same thing. He knew that they got it. And he was grateful for everything but mostly for not having to talk. He knew it would come later, the talking. Just not today. Seth gestured exuberantly at him from the TV room and he walked over and sat next to him on the sofa.

Seth’s mouth was in gear before Ryan sat down. “You saw it, dude, last night, clearly it’s there, the chemistry is undeniable, she would not let me leave, my friend, and that little game that she was playing, not knowing my name, she so knows my name, blow on it she said, clever little double entendra there, a little sexual subtext that did not go unnoticed, or unappreciated, definitely appreciating the blowing part. So what do you think, should I call her? Bump it up a notch? Ryan, Ryan, stay with me here buddy, where’d you go?”

“Oh, right Seth, blow on it.”

“Yeah, not really an appropriate response there. In the ballpark but not really over the fence if you get my drift.”

“Ballpark?”

“Ryan you’re going Rainman on me again. And not that I don’t appreciate a good Hoffman impression as much as the next man but we’ve got serious issues here. We need to consider follow up. Follow up is everything. There’s been a certain groundwork laid and now is not the time to hesitate. We have to have a game plan. A cool and collected strategy. And this is where you come in. Because you, my friend, have a way with the ladies. You know how their little minds work. So tell me Kwai Chang, do I make that call? Do you think she’s ready to hear from me? And from Sidney, Stanley and the cast of thousands?”

“Not yet Seth.”

“You see that’s exactly what I was thinking. Make her wait. Anticipation is everything. A little cat and mouse, a little Tom and Jerry. I’m glad we had this chat. I’m glad that we see eye to eye on this timing thing. So, we can keep working on this, like plotting the course, the seduction of Summer Roberts, it’ll be like a project and I’ll be learning from the master, and you’re here now, so that’s awesome, isn’t it? Mom says you can stay, so now you, like, live here and stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“But that’s good, right? Are you feeling OK about this because, frankly, you don’t look so good?”

“No, it’s good Seth, it’s just new.”

Ryan was still clutching the pillow that he had picked up at the beginning of the conversation. Seth thought that he didn’t look good. What? Scared? Vulnerable? He set the pillow aside and smiled at Seth. “So, she’s noticed you. First step, man.” Thinking, the taxi must be out of Newport by now, on the highway maybe.

“Yes, we are making progress my friend. But what do you want to do? We should celebrate. This is your first official day here. Well, here and we know that you don’t have to leave. So what do you want to do? We’ll make it your day, whatever you want, buddy. A little sailing perhaps, a little play station?”

“Aren’t those all things that you like to do Seth? Whose day is this?” Ryan felt a twinge of amusement.

“Well I like to think that they are some of the finer things in life that I’m introducing you to. That I’m sharing them with you. So now they are our things and not, technically, mine, as it were”.

“OK, Playstation. I don’t want to go out anywhere”. Thinking, ever, I don’t want to go outside ever.

“Playstation it is. So ProSkater 4 or Grand Theft Auto? Or Ninjas maybe, neutral territory. Doesn’t matter, I can beat you at any of them. What do you say we mix it up a little bit, make it interesting? I’ll play you with one hand, my left hand, maybe my eyes closed, well one eye closed.”

“Seth, that’s stupid. You can’t beat me with one hand. Or one eye or whatever. You’re not that much better than me.” Ryan was becoming intrigued in spite of himself.

“Stupid or fiendishly clever? Which is it? Because, Ryan, you have to ask yourself, do you feel lucky? And to add to this little challenge, to make this sport even more extreme, what do you say two out of three and the loser has to make lunch?”

“Yeah, but if I win I still lose because I’m not going to eat anything you make.” Ryan, clearly amused, handed Seth his controller and settled on the floor, “Bring it on, your best shot, left hand, I want to see this.”

An hour later, Ryan crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen island while Seth searched the refrigerator. “So what are you making,” he asked trying not to smile.

Seth spoke with confidence, “Omelets maybe, that’s with eggs right? Or maybe tacos. Do you think we have the stuff in here to make tacos? Because, seriously, dude, I will make whatever you want. You beat me, fair and square, well, not fair, maybe, you did bump my arm like twice, but this was full contact playstation so that was probably within accepted play standards if you’re playing by the American and not European rules. So what’ll it be?

“Seth, make soup. You can open a can, right? Here, in fact, I’ll open the can and if you can figure out how to microwave it we’ll call it even.”

“Dude, please, I’ve been microwaving since I was twelve. You’ve got to give me some challenges here. In fact I should tell you about one of my first microwaving experiences, quite an amusing story actually…. “

Ryan drifted above Seth’s words paying just enough attention to keep his mind unfocused. He knew that there was something beneath the surface, under the noise and activities that was waiting for him. A bone-deep dread poised to explode into the center of his brain. When Seth paused in mid chatter to pay attention to his soup Ryan suddenly felt it in his mind and the pit of his stomach. She has really left. Just today, at breakfast and I’m here with these people I hardly know, and Mrs. Cohen doesn’t even like me much. She is really gone this time, gone for good, she isn’t coming back. I’m alone, for real and forever.

Seth said “Do you want to talk about it, Ryan, about your mother?”

Ryan looked away and swallowed and tried to smile but couldn’t even make eye contact and said, “Not really.”

“Well, that’s OK, Ryan, if you don’t want to. But we can, now or later. You know, whenever you want, or if you don’t want to that’s cool. And you know that I am like totally stoked that you are living with us now but I understand that it must really suck to have your mother leave like that.”

“It’s all right, Seth, she’s left before.” Ryan’s voice was flat and impersonal but his eyes were despairing. Seth couldn’t look at him.

Seth said, “Ryan, look, I know today is awful for you but I’m still really glad that you’re here. That’s selfish I guess, but you’re the first friend that I’ve had and it’s even better that you’re going to live here and we’ll be, like, brothers. I don’t want it to be at your expense or anything but I’m really happy about this.”

Ryan edged around to Seth’s side of the counter so that he could speak softly. “You might get sick of this Seth, having me around, sharing stuff.”

Seth snorted in disbelief. “I’ve got nothing to share but my pathetic life. I’ve had more fun since you came then in, like, ever. You’re the first person I’ve met who doesn’t actually suck. I don’t think I’m going to get sick of this. I guess you might though? Get sick of me, I mean?”

“Yeah, like I’ve got so much going on Seth. I’m this charity case from Chino. My mom ditched me, your dad met me in jail, real impressive.”

Seth’s expression seemed to brighten and a slow smile began to play across his face. “Well, that’s it then. I get it. Our friendship is based on us both being total losers. Well that’s good, man, rock solid. A real foundation.”

Ryan began to catch a little of Seth’s giddy mood. This did feel safe. Seth wasn’t going anywhere. Seth needed him. He said, “Yeah, total losers, that sounds about right.”

“Well, so, companero, what do we do now? The afternoon is young. More playstation, or swimming, maybe? Because we should get outside, right? You know venture out as far as the back yard. And while we’re there we should start thinking about the pool house because, Dude, that place needs a major makeover. It’s got potential, don’t get me wrong, definitely more potential then, say, my room. But still, way too under the influence of Mom.” As Seth talked he crowded Ryan out the door and toward the poolhouse and Ryan was in the sunlight before he remembered that he didn’t plan to go outside again, ever. And particularly didn’t plan to go look at where his mother had slept or remember, how, precisely, she had looked when she waved goodbye.

But Ryan was back in the poolhouse before he could protest and he felt his mind strangely soothed by Seth’s silly enthusiasm. He let himself be steered to locating towels and to finding bathing suits and only glanced at the bed still unmade from the morning and waited for the dull crushing weight of seeing it but instead Seth pulled the blankets back up as though he wanted a clear surface to lay out their swim gear. Ryan couldn’t tell if he had done it on purpose but was still silently grateful.

Maybe I can get through this, he thought. He’d never had had a real friend before. Always, when you got down to it, he had been alone. Maybe this time, with Seth around, it would be different.

Seth said, “OK, Marco Polo, best two out of three and I won’t use my right hand.”

OC fiction Ghost

2004-05-09T23:53:00Z

This is an alternate universe OC fiction that departs from the events in The Model Home. It is mostly Ryan angst and is my way of remembering the time when the show was really good.

Disclaimer: The OC and its characters are the property of the Fox broadcasting network and Josh Schwartz.

Thanks to TWoP’s Maud for all of her edits and suggestions and also Walter and SMC36 for their help with this.

“You can’t stay. If you stay, if we spend the night, I don’t know that I could leave.”
“Well then don’t.”
“Yeah, you’ll go back to school in the fall and I’ll just what, hang around here, hiding like some ghost.”

This is an alternate version of events. After the fight on the pier, Ryan goes back to the model home. Marissa does not come that night so Luke has no one to follow. There is no fire and no arrest. In this version their plan works.

Ghost
By
Flash Back

The next day they remembered to bring food. They were learning. So they didn’t have to go out and risk another encounter at the diner. The model home was safe. Ryan had put his bike inside. Marissa and Seth parked their cars around back. Safe.

“I love what you’ve done with the place,” Seth laughed. Ryan had organized the inside of the tent and set up shelves along the wall of the room using construction supplies. Fascia boards on top of 20 gallon paint cans. All of Marissa’s candles lined up on the top shelf. The survival gear stowed underneath.

“We need a cooler to keep food,” Marissa said, and the boys exchanged surprised looks. She was right, of course. Because school was going to start soon. And they wouldn’t be able to come as often. They needed to set up camp so he could stay inside for days. In case they had a run of bad luck and couldn’t make it out. Ryan needed a way to store food. Food and candles for night and a supply of water.

“Why are we doing this?” Ryan asked. “I can’t just stay here. I need to figure out a plan.” He kept waiting for one to fall into place in his head but all that he could come up with was Nick in Austin. It had been over a year since he had talked to Nick.

“It’s lame, man.” Seth pointed out. “You don’t even know if he’s still there. You need to call him.”

Ryan kept putting that off because what, really, was he going to say to Nick? And why would Nick want to be stuck with him? His mom didn’t want him. The Cohens didn’t want him. Just because Nick had offered once in a moment of weakness didn’t mean that he meant it. It didn’t mean that he even remembered. Ryan was pretty sure that Nick had moved on. Nick was a memory, not an option.

“I’m not going to call him, Seth. You’re right, it was a lame idea. Texas sucks. I don’t want to go there.”

“OK, so what, man, what are you going to do? School starts next week. Marissa and I are going to be held prisoner there all day. We’ll come at night. Maybe not every night. I heard my mom talking on the phone yesterday and the whole development is tied up in some building permit thing so I don’t think anyone will come around for a while. But what will you do? You could get really bored.”

Bored. To be bored you had to exist. Not feeling that. More like transparent. The Cohens and the police had stopped looking. His mom had never started. He was like a ghost. He was so detached that people could probably look right through him. The only people who knew he was still alive and needed food and batteries were Seth and Marissa. And they were going back to school and their real friends. They weren’t going to come around so much any more.

“It’s OK, Seth, I’ll figure it out. Maybe I can get a job near here. Get an apartment or something. The problem is being sixteen and probation and all. I need fake ID or something. Can you get that kind of stuff online?”

“Yeah, probably, maybe, I’ll check. Do you think it’s safe to work in Newport? Are you going to just try to make it on your own now? Give up on high school and all?” Seth had been sounding nervous recently. Less sure of himself, starting to get scared.

“I don’t really have a choice, Seth. I can’t go to school without parents. I can’t register. If anyone official finds out I’m still here I’ll get sent back to juvie. Or get put in a group home. That’s how this started. It’s no better now. Where did you think this was going when I moved in here? Did you have a plan B?”

“I guess not. Maybe I should talk to my Dad? What do you think? I guess I didn’t expect the model home idea to work. I didn’t think about what was going to come next. Do you want me to talk to my Dad?”

“What’s the point, Seth?” Ryan’s voice was tired. “He wants to send me to a group home. We’ve been over this ground. Nothing’s changed. How long have I been here? Two weeks now? Nothing’s changed.”

“Well, I hear my parents talking a lot. And they are pretty upset. They’ve hired private detectives to find you. A major waste of money I might add. Since no one has tailed me yet and I’m the obvious accomplice. But maybe there’s some negotiating room. I could feel out my Dad. What do you think?”

“I don’t know, Seth. I’m just tired of all of it. Don’t say anything to your father that gets me caught. I’m not going back to a group home. You have to give me a heads up if I need to get out of town. I’m ready to do that. I’m not going back.”

“Yeah, Ryan. Tough guy, life on the road, I get it. But you won’t even call your friend in Austin, so can we start trying to figure out a plan B. Because frankly the success of our little scheme is starting to really freak me out. I have to go back to school. And you are just hiding out here and I know I started this but I don’t know how to end it.”

“Right, we need to do something. Fake ID is the best I’ve got.” Ryan said. “Maybe feel out your dad. Does he know that you’re in contact with me?”

“I think he suspects. He’s been asking a lot of questions and looking at me funny. Dad’s hard to predict. You know he wanted you to stay with us, right? It was Mom who vetoed it.”

“Your Mom’s the only smart one in your family.”

“Well, be that as it may. I might try to talk to him. No incriminating details of course. Very stealth.”

“Get the fake ID, Seth. If I can get a job and my own place we can end this.”

Ryan’s third night at the model home he had awakened in the early morning to the sense that someone else was in the building. He had heard the back door creak and then light footsteps on the stairs. He shot up and scrambled out of the tent, his heart racing then froze in the middle of the room and listened. A faint light from a flashlight appeared in the doorway. Ryan stepped to the side of the room into the shadows. Marissa walked in hesitantly pointing her light at the tent. He whispered her name next to her side and she gasped in fright. They both laughed nervously. Nervous about the scare in the dark and about what they were about to do. Ryan took Marissa’s flashlight and turned it off and they got into the tent in the pitch black. She was in a hurry as though she wanted to fuck him before her courage failed her. But he held back and soothed her with his hands and lips and nuzzled into her neck until she relaxed and stopped reaching for him. He took off only his shirt but, hesitantly, all of her clothes and ran his mouth over her body while she twitched and sighed. He caught and held both her wrists with one hand and used the other to stroke into her slowly and then with greater urgency while his mouth worked down her belly until she was finally trapped between his mouth and fingers and came pulsing against him with a ragged breath that was almost a sob. He held her, his hands stroking her face softly with careful reassurance. She reached for him again but he redirected her hands around his neck and whispered that he was fine. He didn’t need anything from her. She lay in his arms until they were both almost asleep, then dressed by flashlight and told him to stay inside while she walked to her car.

The following night he waited and heard tentative steps after midnight. He didn’t panic this time but stayed in the tent, seeing the flashlight approach across the floor. But when the voice said “Ryan” it was Seth. Seth turned off his light once he was in the room and crawled into the tent in the dark. Ryan whispered, “What’s up?” even though there was no reason for whispering and he already knew what was up. Seth didn’t answer but slid down next to Ryan on the sleeping bag. Ryan did what Seth wanted. Ryan took off his shirt after Seth fiddled with the buttons and he let Seth guide his hands. He kissed back with a matching degree of intensity. He was attentive and skilled. When Seth came Ryan thought, All right, I can do this. Someone should be happy.

He had a visitor most nights. Marissa and Seth seemed oddly alike to him. Both thin, nervous and discontent. Both convinced that their lives were unfair. Ryan would hold the girl or the boy and give them whatever they needed, slowly, patiently. There was little talking at night even with Seth. Ryan liked the feel of a body next to him. Someone to hold on to. Neither Marissa nor Seth ever stayed the night but sometimes one of them would stay until Ryan fell asleep. And that was almost as good. Every evening he hoped that someone would come.

Ryan wondered if they had worked out a schedule.

Then school started. Seth and Marissa hadn’t been in the habit of arriving every morning but on the first day of their school term Ryan woke up and knew that his isolation had moved to another level. The summer was over for them. Their real lives had started back. Ryan had gotten used to his routine. Eat food out of the cooler, chin ups on the bars, curls on the floor, read books, wait for them. But today there was no possibility that they were coming. So the rest of the routine seemed pointless. Ryan got his bike and rode out of the development and down to the pier. It was a risk in daylight but he couldn’t stay inside any longer. And maybe he really was invisible. It was early fall and the summer crowds were gone. There were only a few people on the pier and a local woman walking her dogs along the beach. The restaurants were empty and half staffed. Summer was over. Ryan went into the diner and got breakfast with money that Seth had given him. I earned it, he thought, remembering the previous night and amusing himself with a cynicism that he didn’t entirely feel. The waitress and the few other diners paid no attention to him. He wasn’t going to get caught. No one cared. On his way back, he stopped at the bottom of the sea wall. Up around the edge was the path that led to the Cohen’s backyard. To the infinity pool and ocean view and the spot behind the pool house where he used to smoke.

Why am I doing this? he thought as he locked his bike to a piling and started up the path on foot. This is just stupid, Rosa might be there. He was out of breath by the top, from the fast uphill climb and from nervousness. When he got to the house he checked quickly for cars but both were gone. There was no sign of Rosa. He walked across the astro turf around the pool and tried the pool house door. It was unlocked. The Cohens were so confident that their lives were safe. He felt a momentary flash of anger, remembering iron window grates and pit bulls. Then he stopped thinking about that. He had no right to be angry. Seth was helping him and Sandy had been kind. He closed the pool house door behind him. The space was familiar but strange. Had it only been two weeks since he had slept on that bed? He walked over to it hesitantly and lay down, remembering the angle of the sun and the way that the pool had sparkled through the refraction of the windows. It was so quiet that he could hear his heart beating. He felt an impulse to close his eyes and just go to sleep that he dismissed a moment later as weakness. He pushed himself off the bed and told himself that he’d come to rob them and that he should get busy. He looked around and considered taking some food or a blanket. But he knew that Seth would bring any of those things to him if he asked. He finally settled on the alcohol in the mini bar. Seth might not feel comfortable stealing that. He looked for a house brand but all of their booze was expensive and so he finally took a bottle of imported scotch. He put it in a canvas bag from the floor of the closet and left quickly, not looking back.

When Seth and Marissa came that evening, full of stories about school he kept the bottle hidden in his backpack. He didn’t want to have to explain it. Marissa talked about her friends while Seth mocked them. But Seth kept luring Marissa back to tell him more details about Summer. Ryan listened to descriptions of a school that he couldn’t picture. What kind of school had a pool table and juice bar in the student lounge? What kind of school had a student lounge? They told him he was lucky he wasn’t stuck there all day. Ryan nodded in agreement and thought: I have to get out of here, I can’t keep doing this. They left earlier that night, citing homework, parents expecting them home on school nights, having to get up early… Ryan thought the excuses sounded weak and that they were getting bored. He didn’t blame them. He was not bored exactly but despondent. This had gone on too long.

Two days passed and no one came. Ryan stayed inside the first evening reading and waiting for them. When it got late he laid down on his sleeping bag in the tent expecting to be awakened during the night by the sound of one of them sneaking in. But when he finally woke up it was light out and he realized that twenty-four hours had gone by alone. The next day he felt increasingly restless. They never came during the day because of school but it was hard for him to stay inside and wait for evening. They’ll come after school, he thought but by 9:00 at night he knew that wasn’t going to happen. Well what did you expect? he told himself, everyone leaves. And then he stopped thinking about that and got his bike out and rode hard through the empty subdivision streets and down to the walkway along the beach. It felt good to be tired and out of breath.

He locked his bike at the bottom of the path and started up without hesitation. Visiting the house had become a habit. He tried to stay away but most days he came. He had learned Rosa’s schedule and how to avoid her. They never locked the pool house. During his visits he would lie on the bed and eat the food in the refrigerator. One day he took a shower and didn’t care that he left the towels wet. He had started taking more items. Random items. Nothing that he actually needed. Well, except raiding their liquor cabinet. He needed that. But some of the items were of no use whatever. He took a framed postcard off the wall that was a souvenir from some trip they had taken. He took a set of ceramic coasters. As Ryan hid each item in his backpack he wondered what he would say to Seth if he found them. He told himself that he would throw them away soon. But he didn’t.

Tonight he knew that the family would be home so he stayed in the shadows at the end of the yard and did not approach the pool house. He could see through the pool access doors into the kitchen of their home. He was startled to see Seth’s mother, leaning against the kitchen counter, reading and drinking from a cup. This is stalking he thought and retreated back down the path quickly, not really paying attention but anxious to get back to the beach. He was looking down finding his footing in the dark as the path turned and he almost ran into Sandy coming up. They both froze and Ryan’s impulse to run must have shown in his tense stance because Sandy held up both hands, in a non-threatening gesture and said “Stop, please just stop.”

Ryan was breathing so hard that he began to feel dizzy. Thinking, I haven’t done anything, I wouldn’t have hurt them. He tried to will himself to just get away but he couldn’t go back up and he felt powerless to push past Sandy on the narrow path so he just stared and felt his heart pounding.

“Please, Ryan, will you just stop for a minute and talk to me? I won’t try to keep you. I won’t tell anyone you’re here.” He made it all sound so reasonable. Why not talk? Sandy had already seen him. He was already caught.

When Ryan didn’t answer, Sandy retreated back down to the sea wall and sat down gesturing for Ryan to sit next to him. And even though his path was no longer blocked, Ryan followed and sat carefully on the edge of the wall.

“Are you all right, Ryan? Will you tell me how you’ve been living? I’ve been worried.”

Ryan didn’t answer and when too much time had passed and Sandy didn’t speak again Ryan said, “I’m OK.”

“I’ve been hoping that you were still around here. I’m glad you didn’t leave.”

That made no sense and when Ryan asked “Why?” it was with genuine curiosity.

“I thought if you stayed I’d find you eventually. I still want to help you.”

Ryan was grateful to feel anger rising. Better anger than emptiness.

“I don’t need your help,” he said, without trying to hide his annoyance. “You nearly helped me into a group home.”

“I thought it was the right thing to do.” Sandy said but his voice hesitated and he didn’t argue when Ryan said, “You thought it was convenient, not right.”

“OK,” Sandy admitted, “Maybe it was a mistake. I didn’t really want you to go to a group home either but I didn’t have a lot of options.”

Sandy looked so stricken that suddenly Ryan felt tired of being the cause of so much worry. “It’s not your problem. It doesn’t matter. I’m figuring things out on my own.”

“All right, I get that. I’m not going to interfere with you. Will you do something for me? This is a favor. I want to ask a favor.”

Ryan sensed a lawyer trick and knew that he shouldn’t take the bait even as he heard himself say, “What?”

“Will you meet me again? Just to talk. Walk away tonight, but meet me another time? So you’ll know that I’m not trying to stop you.”

“How do I know that you won’t show up with the cops?”

“C’mon, Ryan. You know me well enough to know that I’m not a big fan of the cops. I’m not going to turn you in. I’m asking you to trust me. That’s the favor.”

“OK” and just like that he felt that he could do it. He wasn’t going to think about it. It wasn’t hard if he didn’t think about it.

“Could you meet me tomorrow? Here, at ten? I just want to talk. I’m not going to try to convince you of anything.”

“It doesn’t make any sense. Talk now. We don’t have anything to say. Why meet tomorrow?”

“Because tonight I just ran into you. You didn’t have a choice. I want you to choose to see me. Do you understand?”

“I guess.” Ryan said but thought when have I ever had a choice about anything?

Sandy stood up and Ryan watched him resist the impulse to touch him. He said, “You know I’m going to be really worried if you’re not here tomorrow?”

“I said I’d come.” Ryan quickly stood up and started walking up the beach knowing that Sandy was watching him leave. He waited several minutes out of sight in the dark before going back cautiously to where he had hidden his bike, relieved to see that Sandy had gone back up to the house.

The next day Seth came right after school, brimming with apologies for his two day absence. He brought peace offerings, new comic books, pizza and a bottle of wine that he’d swiped from the refrigerator. Ryan didn’t tell him that he’d been thinking about cutting back on his drinking. As Seth launched into his backlog of Summer stories Ryan’s thoughts, fuzzy from the wine, drifted to his arrangement with Sandy. Wondering why he’d agreed and where it was going. I’ve got to get a real plan together, he thought again. He’s going to ask. Seth’s too long pause reminded him to say “hmm” and nod. Seth was easy. Ryan made sure that Seth left early and satisfied so he’d have the evening free.

When he got to the sea wall Sandy was already there, waiting. It wasn’t so awkward this time. Ryan felt oddly detached and thought, Sandy’s more nervous than I am. Ryan expected questions, but instead Sandy talked about the family as though Ryan had been away on vacation and needed to be filled in. He described Seth’s first week back at school and the new television that they had bought for the den. He told a Kirsten cooking joke and Ryan tried to smile but felt chilled and thought she hates me.

“What do you want, Sandy? Why did you want to see me?”

“I don’t want anything from you, Ryan, I want things for you.”

“We’ve been over this. You want me in a group home. I’m not going.”

“You know you’ve violated your probation now? If you get arrested you’ll be in detention not a group home.”

“Well, that’s one more reason why I’m going to try not to get caught.”

“Look, I think that I could maybe fix things with probation if you would let me. There’s a pick- up order out on you but I could talk to people. Try to smooth things over. If you would agree to come in.”

“Come in for what? I said I’m not going to a group home. I’m better off on my own”

“Ryan, will you tell me where you’ve been living?”

“No.”

“I know you’ve been in the pool house.”

Ryan didn’t answer and after a long silence Sandy continued. “I left it unlocked. I hoped if you had nowhere to stay at night that you would sleep there.”

“What, like a stray cat? Were you going to put out bowls of food next?”

“Yeah, maybe, would that have worked?”

“Does your wife know I’ve been there?”

“No.”

“Good thing, we could both be homeless.”

Sandy laughed but then said, “She’s not as bad as you think. She’s not really mean. She’s scared.”

When Ryan didn’t answer Sandy went on “You know that Seth and I wanted you to stay with us. Did you know that?”

“I know Seth did. I wasn’t sure about you.”

“Well, maybe I wasn’t that sure either. I didn’t push it with Kirsten. I could have. I’ve thought a lot about it since you left and I want another shot at this. If you let me.”

Ryan thought maybe it was still the wine but he was having trouble getting his head around the turns in this conversation. Everything changed too fast. “What are you saying? Your wife doesn’t want me in her house. I’m not asking you for anything.”

“Yes, I know, you’re not asking. This is coming from me. I’m just asking you to meet me again, OK? No strings attached. I’m telling you, though, that I’m going to talk to Kirsten and this time I’m going to be clear about what I want. Because I’d like to be able to offer you a place to stay and I can’t do that until I’ve talked to her. I know that you haven’t asked me to do this. I’m doing it on my own. Will you come back here Saturday night to talk?”

“Yeah, I guess. This is weird.”

“I know. But weird can be good. And remember the pool house is open so take whatever you need. You might, eh, want to cut down on the drinking a little though.”

Ryan flushed and stammered, “Why don’t you lock up your booze at least?”

Sandy seemed only half joking when he answered, “This is about free will, Ryan. You get to choose.”

Sandy watched him walk away without asking where he was going or if he needed a ride. The wind had picked up, cold, damp, smelling of salt.

The next day Ryan took his backpack with him when he went to the house. He hesitated for a moment as he packed up the half-empty bottles. He didn’t know if he could fall asleep sober any longer and he had hated lying awake on the nights when no one came. But he was ruthless with himself and took them all. It felt odd entering the poolhouse now that it was permitted. He carefully replaced each item, the postcard on the wall, the bottles back in the bar. He set them in a row in the front, not wanting to create a pretense of hiding what he’d done. He hoped that Sandy would just accept everything back quietly and not make him talk about it. He took a shower and then laid on the bed and tried not to think too much about how much of his life was at risk. He considered just waiting until they came home in the evening so that a decision could get made and it could be over with. But the thought of facing Sandy’s wife filled him with dread and he decided to just meet Sandy on Saturday as they had agreed. Once he resolved to let Sandy do the actual work of talking to her to he felt better. Detached. It was out of his control.

Seth came right after school. Marissa hadn’t been coming as much recently. Seth said, “The twit’s off doing whatever, her social supremacy duties, reigning over the fuckwits of Harbor.”

Ryan asked “Is she back with Luke?” and when Seth answered he sounded amused and a little annoyed.

“She never broke up with Luke, those two are charter members of the master race. She’s just slumming with us my friend. And no doubt she’s growing tired of her little social experiment.”

Seth looked at him with pity and Ryan wanted to hit him.

“I’ve been talking to Sandy, I’ve been meeting him.” Ryan said.

“Meeting him? What do you mean? How long has this been going on?”

“I’ve meet him at night, twice.”

“What, are you dating?”

“I’m serious, Seth, I’m trying to talk to him.”

“Well, all right, Ryan you’ve definitely got my attention. So, well, this is big. Where are these talks of yours going? And does he know about our little living arrangement here and, eh, my role in your great escape?”

“No, not yet. But I guess I’ll have to tell him. I thought he might have talked to you by now.”

“Why would he, if he doesn’t know that I’m helping you?”

“Because he’s talking about letting me stay at your house. He’s going to talk with your mother. So I thought that he might ask you too. You know, to see if it’s all right with you.”

“Whoa, that’s awesome. He’s really going to talk to mom? All right, when did this happen? Because I haven’t overheard any weighty discussions going on and there’s no way those two would be able to keep a conversation this big quiet.”

“I saw him last night. I’m meeting him Saturday so he’s probably going to talk to her today. What do you think will happen?” Ryan was feeling increasingly anxious as he pictured the conversation. Picturing it was definitely not something that he wanted to do.

“I don’t know, man. That’s too close to call. They are both really stubborn. They can fight for weeks. The wins are running about equal. It depends on how bad they both want it. Or don’t want it in Mom’s case. Oh, sorry, that was harsh. What does Dad say?”

“He says he wants me to live with you, your family, but I have no idea why. Some liberal cause, I guess. I don’t get it.”

“Well, what do you want?”

“I don’t want to be in this situation in the first place. I can’t stay here, I’ve got nowhere to go. I don’t want to be a burden to your family.”

“All right, stop, man, you’re getting me depressed. I know something that we can do. Something to take your mind off this angst fest. You know you might even like to participate a little for once. Because I can give back. This doesn’t all have to be about me.”

“Well, what about that, Seth. That’s another thing. Are you planning to lie to your parents about, you know…?”

“Absolutely, I’m taking this to my grave. Or my thirtieth birthday. Well, second semester college. But definitely not any time soon. They so do not need to now. And you don’t need to tell them. It’s all on me anyway. You haven’t done anything. You’ve shown monk-like self control. Well considering the recent scandals in the Catholic Church maybe that’s a bad analogy but you get my drift.”

“All right Seth, I wasn’t planning on telling. I think I’m unacceptable enough just on my own merits.”

“Yeah, I like that, stick with it. Look, if your predictions are correct the fight is probably in full swing by this point so maybe I should head back and see if I can jump in. You know, lend Dad some moral support and make Mom feel like the heartless bitch that she is.”

“Seth, look I’m really not comfortable…”

“Kidding, Ryan. My Mom’s not a heartless bitch. She just doesn’t know you. Don’t worry. I actually think this sounds promising. Here take my cell phone. I’ll call you and give you an update.”

After Seth left Ryan tried to read but kept waiting for the cell phone to ring. Hours passed and he regretted giving back all of the alcohol. He just wanted it over. He wanted to know their decision so that he could move on. He thought, I need a back up plan. I should call Nick. Or Eddie, maybe I can stay with him. He wasn’t going to camp at the model home any longer. Tomorrow, Saturday, he would know. If they didn’t want him he would move on.

Seth called in the morning from school. He said that his parents had been out together all evening. They had come home late and were quiet and uncommunicative in the morning. They didn’t seem angry at each other but Seth was bewildered and couldn’t read the signs.

Ryan said, “It doesn’t matter, Seth. I’m meeting Sandy tonight. He’ll tell me what happened. I just want this over. I’m going to leave if your family is out. I’ll go back to Chino, I guess. I’m going to call some people I know. I’ll try to make plans.”

Seth sounded anxious and said “Look, even if Casa Cohen doesn’t work you don’t have to leave. Or leave abruptly. We can figure it out so I know where you’re going and I’ll come visit you. Right? You don’t have to just disappear or by homeless or some other excessive, reactionary thing, right? We can figure something out.”

“Yeah, sure Seth. We’ll figure something out. Don’t come tonight. I’ll be meeting Sandy. I’ll talk to you later, bye.” Ryan was tired of all of it. Of Seth’s possessiveness and needs. Of waiting and not wanting to hope. He needed to call people in Chino. He needed to deal with it. But the day passed and he kept putting it off.

That evening, when he saw Sandy his expression was inscrutable so Ryan asked, “What happened?”

Sandy immediately softened and said, “It’s going to be OK. I talked with Kirsten. She wants to talk to you. I think we can work it out.”

Ryan knees felt weak and he sat down abruptly on the wall. For a moment, he was breathing too hard to speak. He had prepared himself for a different outcome. For minutes he listened to the waves and tried to gather his scattered control. When he spoke it was barely a whisper. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well, I think we should go up to the house and talk to Kirsten. And Seth, I guess, but I know what Seth wants already.”

“What happened with your wife? Why did she agree?”

“Ryan, it’s complicated. You really don’t know Kirsten yet. She’s cautious. She doesn’t jump into things. I talked with her about my feelings about you and she listened, really listened. She’s open to this. We should talk to her together.”

“You pressured your wife into letting me live with you. Do you really think that I’m going to be OK with this?”

“Well, I know my wife. No one can pressure her into anything if she’s sure. She only caves when she has doubts. She’s confused. A part of her has always wanted you to stay.”

“Has it occured to you that I might find this humiliating?”

“Yeah, I understand that but I don’t care. This is too important to be decided by your pride. Pride’s overrated anyway. I know that there are some problems with this. But life’s imperfect. You of all people know that. I don’t think it matters that much how your relationship with Kirsten starts. Where it ends is what matters. You’re a lot like Kirsten. You’re both cautious and independent. You don’t want to owe anyone. You’re going to like getting to know each other. I’m not worried. And I’m definitely not feeling guilty. What I’m doing is good for all of us. In a month you’ll both be thanking me. I know what I’m doing. Trust me when I say that you are going to feel differently.”

Ryan listened to Sandy’s impassioned arguments and felt tired. He couldn’t summon an equal energy to, what, keep himself homeless? He thought, OK, I can do this. I can make Sandy happy. Maybe this will work. I have to do something.

Ryan nodded and just like that it was decided. They turned and hiked up the path to the house in silence. It felt strange to walk into the main house after weeks of just viewing it from a distance. The kitchen was brightly lit and a moment after they stepped in Seth came in from the den. Sandy said “Seth, you remember Ryan don’t you?”

Seth tried to catch Ryan’s eyes with a half smile and said “Yeah, pretty well. Dad, we probably need to talk.”

As Seth fidgeted and Ryan stared at the floor Sandy said “Maybe now is a good time for you boys to tell me where Ryan’s been staying for the last three weeks.”

When it became apparent that Ryan wasn’t going to answer Seth said, “You know that model home of Mom’s in the Balboa development. We figured that it would be a good idea to do some consumer research on the actually livability of that location so Ryan volunteered, as it were, to field test it. And I think that we can report that it actually is not too shabby, housing wise.”

Sandy looked exasperated, but not surprised. He said, “Seth, I can understand Ryan keeping quiet about this, but do you want to tell me why you didn’t come to me? How the hell long were you going to keep this up?”

Seth sounded equally annoyed “As long as I had to I guess. What took you so long? You know Ryan needs to stay here. I did the best I could.”

“All right, I get that, where is your mother?”

“She’s not home yet. What did she say when you talked to her?”

Sandy paused before answering and glanced at Ryan who hadn’t moved since they walked into the kitchen. He said, “She’s OK. She understands that you and I want Ryan to live here and she’s open to it. She just wants to talk to Ryan about what she expects. It’s OK, Ryan, don’t worry. We’ll all talk together and then we’ll go pick up your stuff from the model home and this will be over. Let’s make some coffee. I’ll call her to tell her we’re here.”

Ryan busied himself with making coffee and vaguely noticed that Seth did not have a clue how to make coffee in his own house, with his own coffee pot. Sandy got off the phone and smiled brightly and said “She’s on her way home” and then “It’s fine” to Ryan who thought, how is this fine?

By the time that Kirsten came in they were sitting at the kitchen island drinking coffee and listening to Seth’s story about Summer’s sarcastic banter with her chemistry teacher. Ryan tried to make himself look straight at her because he remembered that people said that his gaze was shifty. Whatever that meant. Kirsten smiled at him and said “Ryan, it’s so nice to see you. I’ve been worried about you.”

Ryan said “I’m OK,” and tried not to imagine the actual content of her worry.

Sandy took charge of the meeting as though it was an arraignment; setting the agenda and, clearly he hoped, the tone. “Well, it’s good that Ryan is back so we can talk about this situation. We’ve all been talking separately and now we’ll have a chance to talk together. Ryan, we want you to live with us permanently. Kirsten just has some concerns. Kirsten, can you talk with Ryan about the issues that we’ve discussed?”

Ryan and Kirsten had been carefully avoiding looking at each other since Kirsten’s initial glance of greeting when she entered the kitchen. Now she looked directly at him and he made a visible effort to meet her gaze. She said, “Ryan, Sandy and Seth both really want you to live with us. And the reason that I was worried about it is that I can see that you have a lot of influence over Seth and I don’t want it to be a bad influence. I’m worried about your fighting and all of the trouble that you’ve been in. Can you understand that?”

“Of course, I understand you not wanting me here. Why would you?” Ryan didn’t know what Sandy expected. Did Sandy think that he was going to try to talk her into this? Because he wouldn’t.

Kirsten looked startled by the coldness of his voice. Startled and not pleased. She said, “Excuse me?” and crossed her arms.

Ryan could see that he had disturbed her. He didn’t know what he had done. He glanced at her but when she didn’t blink or smile he kept his eyes on his hands. He tried several times to speak but couldn’t find words. Finally he said, “I’m sorry.”

Kirsten waited for some elaboration but when Ryan offered nothing else and several moments had passed she said more mildly “Ryan, we’re talking about having you live here. I need to know that you can fit in. That you aren’t going to be causing trouble.”

Ryan knew that she was waiting for a response, something, from him. He thought about her last sentence and picked the words apart for clues. What did she want from him? He felt that words were dangerous. The wrong word could shatter and destroy this tenuous plan. He said, “What do you mean by fit in?” and tried to buy some time.

Kirsten sounded uncomfortable but determined. “Well, by fit in I mean that you will do what’s expected of you; follow our rules, go to school, not get in fights or commit any crimes. I think that these are reasonable things for us to ask. We want you to act like the other kids in this community. Can you do that?”

Ryan felt dizzy. Talking to her was so hard. He pictured the other kids: Luke’s drunken brutality like a rich, spoiled AJ, Marissa’s selfishness, the coke parties and careless sex, Seth’s confusion. She knew next to nothing about her own son. Ryan said, “Yeah, I can try to be like the kids around here.” And hoped that he didn’t sound ironic.

Kirsten seemed satisfied with his answer and said in a more conversational tone, “So where have you been for the last three weeks? How have you been living?”

Ryan looked at Seth but when Seth looked away he said, “I’ve been staying in your housing development, the model home, I’ve been camping there.”

Kirsten exhaled in exasperation and said “Has anything been damaged?”

Ryan felt a sliver of anger and thought she’d like it better if I’d slept on the beach. But he said, “I tried to be careful.” And then “I’m sorry” and then “Seth, say something.” Because it really all had been Seth’s idea. Maybe he did owe Seth but Seth owed him too at this point. And she was Seth’s scary bitch of a mother. Seth should say something.

To Ryan’s relief, Seth stumbled and rambled into a long explanation about their adventure and the model home’s suitability as a camp site/skate park and how she really should install motion sensors if she was serious about keeping out the riffraff. Ryan watched Kirsten’s eyes glaze over and realized how effectively Seth could bore her into indifference. He envied Seth’s ability to bob and weave. Seth’s trust in words.

When Seth finally stopped for air, Kirsten didn’t even bother to answer him but moved her attention back to Ryan and said, “OK, I think that I just need to know that living with us is something that you are making a commitment to.”

Ryan tried to sound polite and respectful when he said, “Commitment, what do you mean?”

But that was the wrong answer. Because she sounded worried again when she responded, “I really don’t understand the way that you talk to me. You always seem to be so cautious. Are you hiding something?”

Ryan felt the situation sliding out of his control. He didn’t know what she wanted, how to talk to her so that she would be content and leave him alone. He glanced at Sandy. Not for help exactly but for something more intangible, perhaps understanding.

Sandy said, “Look Ryan, I think Kirsten just needs to hear from you that you understand that we are putting a lot on the line by taking you in. And that you are going to have to meet us half way. That you want to be part of our family and that you are going to make a commitment to try.”

Ryan tried to breath normally. Talking to Sandy was easier. He could count on Sandy to highlight the lines that he was supposed to say back.

With an effort, Ryan looked at Kirsten when he said, “Of course, I understand that you are risking a lot by taking me in. I appreciate it. I don’t want to cause any trouble, or be any trouble. I’ll make a commitment to do what ever you want.

Kirsten did not look totally convinced. She said, “Ryan, I don’t want you to just say what you think I want to hear. I want to know what you really feel. I want to know that you are happy with this decision.”

Ryan didn’t know what he really felt. Mostly tired and scared. Did she seriously want him to say that he was happy? How could she expect that? He knew that the tone was all wrong, that she might find it disturbing, but he said, “Please, I do want this. I’ve got nothing else.”

Kirsten accepted that answer better than he had expected. She seemed to relax as though he had become less of a threat somehow. He thought, now she thinks I’m pathetic, but was too tired to care.

She smiled at him and said, “All right.”

Sandy quickly moved to close the deal. “OK, Kirsten, look, me and the boys are going to go pick up Ryan’s stuff and, I guess, Seth’s stuff. Right now I think we should just get this done. We can sort the rest of this out tomorrow. So we’ll be back shortly. OK, have some coffee, fresh pot, we’ll be back within an hour.”

On the ride to the model home, Ryan sat in the back and listened to Sandy and Seth joke and spar and just let the words wash over him like background noise, like the waves he could hear faintly outside below the hum of the car engine. He would pick up his stuff and go back to the pool house to sleep and tomorrow he would try to deal with all of it. He felt some relief that it was over and while the thought of living with Kirsten filled him with apprehension he reasoned that Sandy and Seth would be there and that they would help him manage. And if it didn’t work he would leave. He would do the best that he could. He hoped it would be enough.

OC Fiction

2004-03-22T01:30:12Z

Atwood, Ryan. An OC fiction about the Cohens and Ryan in family therapy.
Family Therapy Session #3
Cohen, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth
Atwood, Ryan
2/16/04

The following Monday. Sandy had called Dr. Thomas on Friday to tell him that the police had brought Ryan home Thursday night. He had been picked up sleeping on the beach. While he was clearly intoxicated the police had declined to press charges for underage drinking. Sandy explained that the Newport police know that they are employed by Newport’s parents and that they tend to be tolerant. Dr. Thomas meets with the family together. Kirsten and Sandy look tired and anxious. Seth sits near his parents and is unusually subdued. Ryan sits as far away from the others as possible.

Gary: OK, so fill me in on what has happened. Ryan, I know that you stayed out after you left my office on Wednesday and that the police brought you home Thursday night. What happened? Where did you go?

Ryan does not answer but sits staring at his shoes. After an uncomfortable silence, Sandy starts to speak but Gary signals him to wait. The silence continues. Seth fidgets. Sandy and Kirsten get it and wait. Several minutes go by. Ryan is perfectly still. More time passes.

Ryan: I went to the beach. I walked around.

Gary: Did you sleep there Wednesday night?

Ryan: Yeah.

Gary: Where did you go on Thursday?

Ryan: I took a bus into Santa Monica.

Gary: What did you do in Santa Monica?

Ryan: Just walked around on the pier.

Gary: When did you come back to Newport?

Ryan: After dark.

Gary: Why didn’t you just sleep on the beach near the pier?

Ryan: I know the beach in Newport. I’ve slept there before.

Gary: Were you thinking about going home?

Ryan: Yeah, I guess.

Gary: Why didn’t you?

Ryan: I’d been gone a long time. And I fell asleep.

Sandy shifts restlessly in his chair. When he speaks he is clearly irritated.

Sandy: Passed out is more like it.

Ryan doesn’t look up or move

Gary: Is that true? Were you drinking?

Ryan: Yeah. It doesn’t matter.

Gary: OK, well, I heard from your parents that the police found you sleeping on the beach and brought you home. So what happened then? Kirsten, could you tell me?

Kirsten looks tired but calm. She glances at Ryan with concern.

Kirsten: Well, when the police brought him home he was very drunk. We considered taking him to the emergency room because he was almost unconscious. The police had gotten his address off his school ID in his pocket. He couldn’t even answer questions.

Gary: How did you feel seeing him like that?

Kirsten: I was afraid for him. He could have died.

Gary: Could you talk directly to Ryan and tell him what that was like for you?

Kirsten looks uncomfortable but decides to go along with this. Ryan still has not moved or looked up.

Kirsten: Ryan, I was terrified. What you did was so dangerous. People can die from drinking as much as you did. And you were alone. You could have passed out and choked. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you.

Ryan finally reacts with a dismissive half smile and an amazed shake of his head. He glances at her.

Ryan: Forgive yourself? How would it be your fault? What would it have to do with you?

Kirsten appears to have forgotten about the other people in the room. She leans toward Ryan and speaks intently.

Kirsten: Ryan, I’m responsible for you and I care about you. You don’t think that it would hurt me if something happened to you?

Ryan’s voice is cold and impassive.

Ryan: You’d get over it.

Kirsten: Why are you talking to me like this? It’s like you don’t care at all. Don’t I mean anything to you?

Ryan’s control is starting to slip. He tries to remain still but his breathing has become rapid.

Ryan: You’d be better off if I was gone. I’ve just been trouble for you, for all of you. I’m sick of it and you’re sick of it. It’s not working. I think I should go to a group home.

Ryan looks angrily around the room while he’s speaking. He meets each pair of eyes for a furious second and then looks down. Clenching the muscles in his jaw. Glad that it is finally over. Kirsten recoils and looks sick. Seth shakes his head in angry disbelief. Sandy is enraged and stays seated with a visible effort.

Sandy: Just like that? You’re done with us? Do we get to discuss this or are we just dismissed?

Ryan makes eye contact now.

Ryan: Fuck it, Sandy, I’m through. None of you trust me. None of you believe me. I’m tired of being your pet charity project.

Sandy stares back equally angry.

Sandy: This is about Oliver again, isn’t it? You’re still on that. We explained that. We didn’t believe you because you didn’t tell us what was going on. We’re not mind readers. You’re not being fair.

Ryan raises his voice and looks at Sandy, hard and cold.

Ryan: I’m not being fair? That’s bullshit. I tried to talk to Seth. Seth knew about almost everything. You were too busy yelling at me to listen. If Seth had told you Oliver was crazy you would have hired private detectives. You would have done something. None of you believed it because it came from me. And you all think that I’m too screwed up to listen to. But I was right. I’m always right about crazy people.

Sandy: You’re right, I yelled at you. You broke into an office, you read confidential files, you assaulted that boy. Don’t you realize how serious these things are? Of course I was angry with you.

Ryan is not going to back down. He glares at Sandy through narrowed eyes.

Ryan: I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care that you grounded me or that you were angry. It doesn’t matter. Those things I did that you think are so important, I didn’t have a choice. I’m not going to say I’m sorry because I’m not. Oliver was crazy and I did what I had to do. No one believed me. I had to handle it myself.

Ryan and Sandy have locked eyes and neither will look away. Gary gets up and moves his chair so it is between them. He makes a time out sign with his hands.

Gary: OK, this is good actually. Maybe you two don’t think it’s good. but it is. You two are having a conversation. It’s just an unpleasant one. All right, we’ve got the problem out on the table. Now we need to deal with it.

He notices that the glares have not stopped.

Gary: OK, you two need to both look down at the same time. In here, no one wins unless everyone wins.

They look away. Ryan crosses his arms and Sandy shakes his head in irritation. Kirsten looks anxious and very upset. Seth does not look at anyone and is uncharacteristically still.

Gary: All right, this is where I think that we are. The situation with Oliver brought out some issues about how Ryan has been fitting into the family. We need to talk about these issues so you can decide together how to solve them. We need to hear about this from Kirsten and Seth as well. I want to ask Seth first. Seth, what’s your take on all this?

Seth seems almost detached. His voice has a distant, angry edge.

Seth: Dad’s right. Ryan is being an ass. All right, I know that I was sort of responsible because Ryan was trying to talk to me and I mostly wasn’t listening. But I told him to cut it out and stay away from Oliver. He wouldn’t stop. He just kept pushing at it like he was crazy. I got fed up with him. And OK, it turned out that Oliver was a side show freak but Ryan wasn’t looking much better. What was I supposed to do?

Gary: OK, good question. Ryan, what was Seth supposed to do?

Ryan has a new focus for his anger. His voice is cold and he looks directly at Seth, who doesn’t look up.

Ryan: You were supposed to believe me. I would have believed you.

Seth looks up into Ryan’s glare. He attempts to keep looking at him. He’s trying to be reasonable.

Seth: OK, Ryan, I get that. I should have had your back. I’ve told you that I was sorry. What more do you want? And what are you doing now? You were gone for days. Now you say you want to go to a group home like none of us matter. Why are you doing this? How can you just walk away like we’re nothing?

Ryan shakes his head in disbelief.

Ryan: You just don’t get it.

Seth: OK, I don’t get it. Explain it to me.

Ryan: Do you have any idea what it’s like to have no one believe in you? You’ve always had your parents, your grandfather. You have no idea what it’s like to be on your own. I trusted you. And you looked at me like I was crazy.

Seth’s anger has turned to misery.

Seth: You’re right. You started to scare me. I wish I could do it over. I don’t think that you’re crazy. You can get kind of intense and you know how Cohens are about conflict. Not really our thing. But you’re my best friend, Ryan. I’m just asking you to give me another chance.

Ryan looks at Seth and then shakes his head in bewilderment and shrugs helplessly.

Ryan: Great sentiment, Seth. Where was any of that when I needed you?

Gary: Kirsten, could you step in to this? How do you feel about what Ryan has been saying?

Kirsten collects herself and turns to Gary to answer. He directs her with his hand to talk to Ryan. She redirects herself to Ryan who glances at her briefly.

Kirsten: Ryan, I didn’t know that you were still this mad about Oliver. You’re right. We thought you were just jealous. We should have taken what you were saying more seriously and looking back on it I don’t know why we didn’t. I wish that I’d asked a lot more questions. I think that I was upset that you were in trouble. That was mostly what I was thinking about. I should have paid more attention.

As Kirsten talks, Ryan’s antagonism drains away and he just looks tired. She’s upset, and Ryan clearly hates it when she’s upset.

Ryan: I’m not angry at you. I didn’t try to talk to you. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Kirsten tries to shift forward to catch his gaze. The next time he looks up they hold contact for a moment.

Kirsten: That’s my point. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t try to talk to you. I let Sandy talk to you and I should have tried. I feel like I really neglected you. Oliver could have shot you instead of himself. I didn’t help you or protect you. I didn’t even know what was going on, really.

Ryan: It’s OK.

Kirsten: No, Ryan, it’s not OK at all. I can tell from what you’re saying that this is not just about us making a mistake. You really think we don’t care about you. Why else would you say that you want to leave? Do you know how much it would hurt me if you left?

Ryan looks at her anxiously and seems disturbed that she is upset.

Ryan: Kirsten, don’t say that. It would be better if I was gone. Better for you. I’m really screwed up. Ask Seth. If I stay around I’m going to screw up your family.

Kirsten: It’s too late for that, Ryan. You are part of my family. And my family is already screwed up because one of my sons wants to leave me.

Ryan is defeated. He fights back tears and crosses his arms over his chest.

Ryan: Kirsten, I’ll do what ever you want. If you want me to stay I’ll stay. I’ll try harder. This has all been my fault. I’m sorry.

Kirsten is crying also. She doesn’t seem to care that Seth and Sandy are seeing her this vulnerable.

Kirsten: You know what, Ryan? I’m going to take that. I don’t care if you’re doing it just for me. You don’t even have to say you want to be with us. I just want you to stay.

Ryan’s voice is barely a whisper.

Ryan: OK, I’m sorry.

The room is uncomfortably quiet. After a moment, Gary moves his chair out of the center of the room back into the circle.

Gary: I think that you all need to take a break about now so I want to talk about something easier. Did Ryan and Seth switch bedrooms?

Kirsten is still quietly crying and Ryan is huddled in his chair not looking up. Sandy decides to try for normal.

Sandy: Yes, they just did that yesterday. It got delayed with Ryan being gone and all. So last night Ryan slept in Seth’s room and Seth has his own place now.

Gary: Well, I’m glad that you went ahead with it in spite of all of the recent turmoil. How do you feel about it, Seth?

Seth looks over uneasily at Ryan.

Seth: Well, I like the pool house. The timing wasn’t great. With all of the stuff that was going on I felt like I was sort of taking it away from Ryan. Which sucked because Ryan already thinks that I suck.

Ryan uncurls himself from the chair and seems to make an effort to hide his agitation.

Ryan: I don’t think you suck. I already told you I was cool with you taking the pool house. You like it more than I do. I don’t care.

Seth visibly relaxes at the normal tone of Ryan’s voice.

Seth: Well in that case, yes. I do like my new accommodations. I’m thinking about a satellite dish for the roof.

Gary: What about you, Ryan? What’s it like living in the main house?

Ryan: I haven’t done it for very long. Just one night. It feels real strange still. I feel like I’m in Seth’s room. He took down his posters but we didn’t switch furniture so it’s all his stuff.

Seth: Your stuff now, buddy. Hey, you got a TV out of the deal All I got was a futon. And a mini bar. The mini bar is definitely good.

Gary: What else, Ryan? What else have you noticed that’s different?

Ryan: No windows. The pool house has too many windows. When I close the door in Seth’s room, it feels like a room. It’s different.

Gary: Different how?

Ryan: Safer.

Sandy watches Ryan intently and seems lost in thought. He’s trying to understand this, all of it.

Gary: Sandy, you look like you want to say something.

Sandy: I don’t know. With everything that’s happened, I feel like I have to start over. I had thought that Ryan and I had a connection. Now I feel like I’ve been missing a lot. It just feels like I’m back at the beginning.

Ryan is exhausted.

Ryan: It’s OK, Sandy. I’m sorry.

Gary: Ryan, I think that Sandy is saying that he wants to rebuild a relationship with you. Are you open to that?

Ryan: I’ll do whatever he wants.

Gary: Relationships go two ways, Ryan.

Ryan: I hear you saying that.

Gary smiles at the mocking therapist-speak and continues.

Gary: We need to wrap up for today. We had originally committed for four sessions so we will meet for the last time next week. This was difficult today. Your family has been through a lot. You need to spend next week trying to get back to a routine. Did Ryan go to school Friday?

Sandy: Yeah, we made him go. He had quite a hangover.

Gary: Well, that’s one of the consequences. So next week you’ll both be back in school. Kirsten, you’re back at work now, right? Along the lines of things getting back to normal, what happened with the rules from last week? A number of them got broken, right? Ryan stayed out all night, skipped school, turned off his cell phone, got drunk. Did you talk about this with him?

Sandy: No, not really. The ice has felt too thin, I guess. We were afraid he would leave again.

Gary: Well, Ryan has made a commitment to stay. Isn’t that right?

Ryan nods and looks away.

Gary: So you don’t need to worry about that. You and Kirsten should set some consequences for Ryan for all of these rules that were broken. We’ll talk about how this went next week.

__________________________________

2/16/04 Progress Note

Third session with Cohen family. IP is Ryan Atwood.

IP’s tenuous connection with the family continues to be the main focus of intervention. He had been absent from the family for several days and did not return voluntarily, as they had expected. During the session he asked to leave the family in what appeared to be a proactive attempt to forestall anticipated rejection. Events surrounding the suicide are still unresolved. IP focuses on the family’s original disbelief as proof that he is not wanted and/or trusted. Father and sibling seem too confrontational to address the underlying issues effectively. Mother was able to convince him to stay by appealing to his reluctance to reject her in the face of his own fear of rejection.

The families living structure has been reframed to allow IP to live in the main house and to encourage needed differentiation for sibling. This change seems to be going well in spite of the conflicts of the preceding days. The parents are still unwilling to maintain limits and structure with IP, although they were again instructed to do so. Their reluctance seems due to their sense of the fragility of the relationship.

Next session scheduled for 2/18/04

************************************************

Family Therapy Session #4
Cohen, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth
Atwood, Ryan
2/25/04

It is the following Wednesday. Ten days have passed since the last session. Dr. Thomas meets with the family together. The parents sit together and the boys sit near the edge of the room.

Gary – It’s been ten days since we got together. I’d like each of you as you check in to tell me what’s been happening with you since our last meeting. Sandy, why don’t you start?

Sandy – Well, it’s actually been a good ten days. Very quiet. Maybe we’re all being careful around each other but there definitely haven’t been any conflicts. The boys are doing OK in school. Seth’s girlfriend comes over to the house a lot. Ryan broke up with his girlfriend so he hasn’t been going out much. He’s been helping my partner and me with some renovations that we’re doing on a restaurant that we’re going to open. Kirsten and I have been talking about going away for a weekend but we haven’t made any real plans yet. Things seem OK.

Gary – Well, that sounds good. It certainly sounds a lot calmer than the last time we met. Kirsten, what’s been happening with you?

Kirsten – I think that Sandy described it well. We’re all being careful. But it doesn’t feel as tense as it did. The boys got their mid quarter grades and they did fine. Ryan’s grades were really high, even better than last semester. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense because he was suspended for part of the time and going through a lot of problems. It just didn’t affect his school work, I guess. I’m back at work but Sandy and I are trying to schedule things so one of us is always home by dinner. Seth’s been redecorating the pool house. It’s kind of scary what he’s done out there. I’m trying to get Ryan to let me buy some new furniture for his room but he hasn’t given in yet. I’m not going to give up. I think we’re doing better.

While Kirsten speaks, Ryan watches her intently, only looking down when she happens to glance at him.

Gary – OK, Seth, tell us about your pool house redecorating.

Seth – Dude, major improvement. Mom’s furniture was nursing home material. I don’t know how Ryan lived in that museum for eight months. He like never moved anything. The place has had a serious Trading Spaces face lift that was long overdue. It now actually has some curb appeal. Well, not really because Mom won’t let me change the outside but you get my drift. And Summer likes it. Summer is a frequent visitor. So Dad, you and Mom going away for the weekend. Glad to hear it.

Gary – You didn’t mention Ryan. How are you and Ryan doing?

Seth glances quickly at Ryan, who doesn’t look up.

Seth – Better, I think. You’ll have to ask Ryan. He was the one that was so mad. I guess it’s different now than it was in the beginning. Until Oliver we never fought so I didn’t know what that would be like, fighting with Ryan. Having him really mad at me. Now I know so it’s different. I think I’m more careful what I say to him, so he won’t go Hulk on me.

Ryan looks mildly annoyed but also amused.

Ryan – That’s stupid, Seth. You’re such a girl. I’m not going to get mad at you. And when do you ever watch what you say anyway?

Gary – Well, since you’re talking why don’t you finish checking in. How did you pull off those great grades?

Ryan seems relaxed for once and makes casual eye contact with Gary as he speaks.

Ryan – It’s just school work. School work’s easy. I got way ahead while I was suspended because there was nothing else to do. I’m still home a lot so I mostly study. I broke up with Marissa. Seth’s always busy with Summer but I go out with Luke sometimes. I’ve been working at the restaurant. That’s been good.

Sandy looks at Ryan and smiles when the restaurant is mentioned.

Gary – Tell me about the restaurant. How did that happen?

Sandy glances at Ryan, who hesitates. So he speaks first.

Sandy – That actually started in here. You pointed out that Ryan should be punished for all of those rules that were broken last week so we decided to get some free labor out of him and made him work at the restaurant after school. It turns out, Ryan’s been holding out on us. He actually knows how to operate power tools. He was a major help and he taught Jimmy how to fire a nail gun, which probably saved several lives. So, we’re not stupid, we’ve had Ryan down there after school and last weekend. He got more done than me and Jimmy combined. We’re trying to hire him but he won’t take our money.

Ryan watches Sandy, pleased and embarrassed.

Ryan – Sandy, you only get to pay me if you start charging me rent. Besides, the restaurant’s fun and Jimmy’s dangerous on his own.

Gary – Well, helping with the restaurant sounds great and I’m glad to hear that you’re going to stay with it. Ryan, you mentioned that you broke up with Marissa. Is that the girl that the suicide was over?

Ryan becomes quiet and looks away.

Ryan – Yeah.

Gary – Can you talk about that?

Ryan – I don’t want to.

Gary – I’d like you to try. Having a relationship end is hard. I think your parents would want to know if you are doing all right. Have you talked with them about Marissa?

Ryan glances at Kirsten and speaks softly.

Ryan – Kirsten a little. Kirsten doesn’t think that Marissa’s good for me. Marissa wanted to get back together after Oliver died but I couldn’t do it. I just kept thinking about how she didn’t believe me and left me for him over and over. I tried to take care of her but she wouldn’t listen. Now she calls me all the time crying and saying she’s sorry and I feel like I’m hurting her. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t keep doing this.

Gary – How are you dealing with her phone calls?

Ryan – I try to talk to her so she’ll feel better. But she wants more. She wants to get back together and I can’t keep doing this. Other times I try not to think about her but she keeps calling.

Kirsten watches Ryan anxiously.

Gary – Kirsten, you seem worried and Ryan said that you’ve talked to him about Marissa. Could you talk to him now? In fact, could you go over and sit next to him while you do this?

Kirsten smiles and moves without hesitation to the empty seat next to Ryan. Ryan stiffens momentarily but makes a deliberate effort to relax. He glances at her briefly and waits.

Kirsten – Ryan, we’ve talked about this before. I know that you’re worried about Marissa but she has so many problems. I don’t think it’s fair to you that you have to take care of her. I know that you are trying to just be her friend now but I don’t think that she will accept that. I’m afraid that she’ll go on pressuring you to be her boyfriend because she’s afraid to be on her own. And even just being her friend is hard. She has so many problems. I don’t want you pulled into them.

Ryan looks at Kirsten and speaks very softly.

Ryan – She calls me, I don’t call her. I have to talk to her. I can’t abandon her.

Kirsten is having a private conversation now, she doesn’t seem to notice the other people in the room

Kirsten – You worry so much about hurting other people. You’re very kind but I think that she is using you. She doesn’t mean to. But she has needs that you can’t meet and I don’t want to see you get hurt trying. She’s already hurt you a lot. I know that you don’t want to break off with her completely but can you try to limit the time you spend talking with her? You’re not responsible for her. I almost wish that you could have stayed angry at her.

Ryan – She didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m worried about her.

Kirsten – I understand that but I’m worried about you. Could you maybe let me screen out some of the calls? I’ll just tell her that you’re busy and maybe she’ll find other people to talk to.

Ryan – OK, I’ll do what you want. But I can’t break off with her completely. It would hurt her too much.

Kirsten touches him on the arm briefly and smiles. She looks over at Gary.

Kirsten – Best I’m going to do. Ryan doesn’t dump people. But I think I’m going to have to get creative with caller ID.

Kirsten doesn’t move back to her seat next to Sandy but stays with Ryan.

Gary – OK, so it sounds like the last ten days went well. This is our last session together so we are going to be trying to wrap things up as much as possible. You know, get to decisions and conclusions when we can and review the main issues that we’ve talked about. Everyone mentioned the room change and while we had originally talked about that as an experiment for a month, have you all had enough experience with it to make a decision now?

Seth – I’m not giving up the pool house. Just not happening. I’ve changed the locks on the doors and no one is getting me out of there. I have enough food to last for months. Besides, Ryan, you like the other room better, right? No fish bowl effect and all. You can hide better upstairs.

Seth looks a little anxious and Ryan is amused.

Ryan – I don’t want the pool house back. You can keep it, Seth.

Gary – Well, it sounds like you two are in agreement on this, but Ryan could you describe to us what living in the house has been like?

Ryan – Weird at first. From the pool house you can hear the ocean so the bedroom seemed too quiet, but after a few nights I realized that the sounds are just different. I can hear if Kirsten or Sandy are walking around or hear their TV. At first it seemed strange to be living with them but now it’s not. It’s like the way it used to sound at my house before Trey moved out. And I just get stuff from the kitchen now. Before, when it was late it didn’t seem right to walk into the house. I don’t know why. But now I’m already inside so it’s different, easier.

Kirsten smiles at him. He glances at her carefully and is relieved that she is pleased.

Gary – All right, so it sounds like the boys want to keep this living arrangement. Are the parents OK with this?

Kirsten – Yes, it’s good. I’m glad that Ryan is living in the house. Before, often I wouldn’t see him all evening and now he even watches TV with me sometimes. I still want him to let me help him decorate his room. He hasn’t changed anything. Not Seth. I hardly recognize the pool house. No one is ever going to want that back. I don’t think I could get Hailey to sleep there and she’s lived on rock tour vans.

Seth laughs and looks pleased with himself. The room is calm.

Gary – OK, new topic. There was a lot of discussion about trust and rebuilding relationships last week so I’d like to see where that’s gone. How people are feeling now. Sandy, can we start with you? You said last week that you felt like you needed to start over with Ryan. Is that still how it seems?

As Sandy starts to answer Gary does his usual hand gesture directing Sandy toward Ryan. Sandy looks slightly annoyed but shifts his chair and faces Ryan. Ryan glances up and than looks away.

Sandy – Ryan, I always felt that we had a real connection. From when I first met you it was like I already knew you. You kept your thoughts to yourself but I still felt like we were pretty good at communicating. When this whole Oliver thing happened you didn’t tell me what was going on. You shut me out. And the things you did, the break-in, the fight, you could have gotten taken away so easily. It was like you had nothing to lose and didn’t care. So I guess I took that pretty hard. It really made me wonder if we had any connection at all. I understand that I screwed up with you, Ryan. That I thought you were jealous and didn’t ask enough questions about Oliver. But I still don’t understand why you were so ready to throw everything away. Can you explain that to me?

As Sandy speaks Ryan sinks into his chair. He speaks in a monotone without looking up.

Ryan – That’s not how it happened. I didn’t want to lose everything, my life here. I didn’t want to have to deal with Oliver. It just kept happening and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t just let Marissa get hurt. I knew he was crazy and no one believed me. I didn’t plan to hit him. I wanted to hit him a lot of times and didn’t.

Sandy is patient but starts to shift into his lawyer tone. Presenting facts.

Sandy – Ryan, come on, you planned the break in. You took a flashlight, you know, intent.

Ryan – Yeah, well I didn’t plan the getting caught part. Look, I know you think I didn’t care, but that’s not true. I was really afraid of losing everything, this family. I was just really afraid for Marissa, too. I know it was wrong. Can’t you stop?

Ryan and Sandy both sound tired, they’ve been over it so many times and it stays the same.

Sandy – Yeah, stopping. You used bad judgment. And to me, your actions said that you didn’t care. But you say that’s not true. And I want to believe you so I’m going to. I just want us to move on.

Gary – How do you move on from here, Sandy? What are you going to do? What do you want from Ryan?

Sandy – Well, here’s where it gets hard. Generally, Ryan doesn’t do anything wrong. These last ten days have been great. It’s been fun to have Ryan at the restaurant. I feel like we’re good together. But things seemed good before. I didn’t even know Ryan was having problems with Oliver until I got a call from the security guards at the school. I know, Ryan’s tired of hearing me say I want him to talk. But it doesn’t even have to be talk. Just some sign when things are going wrong so I’ll know to ask questions. I want him to stop hiding problems, stop pretending to be perfect.

Ryan looks at Sandy with genuine confusion.

Ryan – I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m trying to be normal.

Sandy – You are normal. You’re a good kid. You’re smart. You take care of other people more than you probably should. I’m just asking you to try to let me in a little more. I understand that sometimes you want to keep things from me so you won’t get in trouble. And I know that I’ve gotten angry and yelled at you.

Ryan – I don’t care about that. That’s your job.

Sandy – Job? What, as your lawyer?

Ryan – No, parent.

Sandy seems surprised and then suddenly touched that Ryan would say that out loud. Sandy looks at Ryan until he looks up. And Ryan holds his gaze for a long moment that seems to satisfy Sandy. Gary waits and then leaves it alone and shifts to Seth.

Gary- All right, Seth. You’re up. How are you and Ryan doing?

Seth and Ryan exchange questioning glances.

Seth – Yeah, you do have to ask Ryan. He’s the one that was mad. I wasn’t mad at him. I mean I was when I thought he was just being all weird with the Oliver thing but once it turned out he was right I was like obviously not mad any more. And I know Ryan mainly talked to me so it was kind of my fault that Ryan didn’t get any help. So I’ve said I’m sorry about that and I am. Ryan, are we OK?

Listening to Seth, Ryan sighs, leans back and half closes his eyes. He sits back up when he has to answer and sounds tired.

Ryan – Yeah, Seth, I’ve told you. We’re fine.

Seth is thoughtful and uncharacteristically subdued.

Seth – I know you say that. And we seem sort of fine but it’s kind of different. You’re kind of different. It’s like you’re back a step and we’re not as close any more. And you hang out with Luke a lot now. More than with me.

Ryan sounds tired. He is trying to be patient but his voice has a slight edge of annoyance.

Ryan – Seth, you’re always with Summer. And hanging out with Luke is just easy. There’s no thinking involved. Do you want to do something tomorrow?

Seth – Yes –no- can’t actually, Summer requires me tomorrow. But with Luke, I can see where Luke might be, you know, a welcome diversion from higher life forms. But is he your friend now? Because he had your back with Oliver?

Ryan- Maybe, I guess. Luke’s good that way. He’s loyal. I know you don’t like him but you don’t really know him.

Seth – The asshole beat me up for ten years, Ryan. I think I know him. But whatever. I don’t want to fight about your Neanderthal friendships. But what about us? You know, Seth-Ryan. Are we OK? Because some days, buddy, it seems like you’re just putting up with me.

Ryan – Seth, I’m always just putting up with you. We’re fine. Maybe I’m still a little weird but I’m just taking it slow. You talk about this too much. Well, about everything too much.

Gary – I have a question. Ryan, when you go in the pool house now you see Seth moved in there with all of his stuff. The pool house used to be yours. What’s your reaction to seeing Seth in your old place?

Ryan smiles easily at the question.

Ryan – It’s funny. He’s so into it. It’s like his private kingdom in there. And now I have to leave the house to go visit him. It’s like he’s moved out.

Gary – Yes, and Seth’s old room. Does it feel like yours or his still?

Ryan – Both I guess. I haven’t moved anything so it still looks like when he lived there. It’s not so strange, though, being in that room. I think about Seth living there for years. What it would have been like.

Gary – If it had been you?

Ryan – Yeah.

Gary turns to Kirsten who has been watching Ryan intently.

Gary – OK, Kirsten, getting back to the original question. Can you tell us how all of the events that have happened have felt for you?

Kirsten – The strangest part for me is that I’m not sorry that all of this happened. I mean, of course I’m sorry about Oliver and all of the hard things that Ryan and the rest of us went through. But I feel like we’re better, or I’m better. Different.

Kirsten is thoughtful and watching Ryan as she speaks. He watches the ground but glances at her quickly, often.

Gary – Can you explain that? What’s different now?

Kirsten – Ryan and I are different. Before this, Ryan was so close with Sandy and Seth and we were a little distant. And I thought it was maybe because of how I didn’t want him to live with us at first. So it used to feel, I don’t know, awkward. Like he was afraid of me. And I was always afraid to say the wrong thing. When everything got bad with Oliver, Ryan was fighting with Sandy and Seth. I guess I was on the outside of that, watching them fall apart. I realized how much it would hurt if I lost Ryan.

Her voice falters and Ryan tenses with alarm at the pain in her voice. Kirsten notices his distress and smiles at him reassuringly.

Kirsten – It just caught me by surprise. I didn’t realize that he had become like Seth or Sandy or my dad to me until I was worried about losing him. And that was awful, just awful.

Her voice is still sad and Ryan offers what he can.

Ryan- I’m not going to leave.

Kirsten - I know. You can’t. I won’t let you.

She touches his arm and he doesn’t flinch or pull away but watches her carefully. Like she might break.

Kirsten – So I feel like I got lucky out of this. And I’m feeling pretty good about our survival skills. Our family got through problems this bad. How much worse can it get? I think we’re doing OK.

Gary – Well, I know how to quit when I’m ahead. So I think we can stop here. You have all come through a difficult eight months and a particularly hard recent experience. You should feel proud of yourselves. You’ve done really well. Ryan, of course, has had to make the largest adjustment and you all have needed to help him. I think that often you haven’t known how to deal with each other. And that you are just beginning to think about what you mean to each other. Don’t expect yourselves to solve this overnight. It is going to take a long time. You’ve just started.

Kirsten and Sandy, I appreciate that you have been making some real changes in giving the boys rules that are definite. It’s important that you stick with this. Your family needs to have routines so everyone will know what is expected of them. Having Ryan help with the restaurant is a very good idea that I hope you continue.

Ryan, you don’t need to have a lot of time on your hands. You go off by yourself too much so I think that it’s good that you’re living in the house now and that you’re working with Sandy on the weekends. Feeling a part of the family is mostly about just spending more time in their company. It’ll come; you don’t have to push it. And I hope that you’ll remember that they want to support you in whatever way you need. I know that you were disappointed with the help that you got during the Oliver incident but you need to think about your own role in that as well, and what you could have done differently. People always make mistakes, Ryan. It’s only over when you give up.

Seth, glad that you’ve got your own place now. You’ve been willing to share your parents, which is a generous thing. And maybe you were a little glad to get your parents’ focus off you for a while. So this works all around. Let Ryan be the kid in the house for a change. You get to be the dude with the pool house. It’s a smart move and you’re ready for it. I hope that you and Ryan continue to patch up the mistakes that you both made with each other.

So now you get to just go out there and be a family. I’d suggest that we get back together in six months or so to see how everything has been going. Call me of course if you need to reschedule sooner. You’ll know if that happens.

The family leaves looking awkward and embarrassed but calm. Ryan inches closer to Kirsten and smiles at her shyly and she smiles back.
__________________________________
2/25/04 Progress Note

Forth session with Cohen family. IP is Ryan Atwood.

Termination session with Cohen family. Precipitating crisis has been largely resolved. IP and family are again committed to remaining together although the connection remains fragile. The family has made some progress around increasing structure and the parents have been encouraged to exercise more control. They were initially very reluctant to discipline IP due to the thinness of their connection with him but, in fact, IP seeks the comfort of increased structure. IP has an extreme fear of abandonment that has been partially addressed by increasing his physical proximity to the family and engaging him in regular activities with his foster father. Assisting at the restaurant is particularly valuable for IP as it allows him to partially pay back what he perceives to be the massive debt that he owes to the family. It also allows him to receive attention from his foster father within an area of genuine competence.

IP appears to have become invested in anticipating and meeting the needs of his foster mother. As she seems to be an emotionally resilient woman with a strong marital bond this dependency is probably a relatively good outcome for IP, given his current level of functioning. Hopefully, it will provide a corrective experience for his similar but destructive co-dependent relationships with his natural mother and former girlfriend. While IP has extensive unresolved issues resulting from early abuse, neglect and trauma these were largely not addressed in treatment. IP is aware that the details of his abuse are now know by his parents and it is hoped that this knowledge will help him to accept his past as he experiences their continued acceptance. His defenses are currently far too rigid for insight therapy around these issues to be appropriate or effective. IP needs a period of years for his emotional maturity to catch up with his level of experience. The family has been advised to provide him with a safe, structured and emotionally supportive environment and to wait for some indication of readiness on his part before initiating discussion in these areas. IP will probably require individual treatment at some future date but perhaps not until adulthood.

The family has been advised to call to reschedule in six months or as needed to handle new conflicts. Prognosis good. Case closed.

flashback766 @ 2004-03-21T15:02:00

2004-03-21T23:05:08Z

Disclaimer: The OC and its characters are the property of the Fox broadcasting network and Josh Schwartz. I own nothing connected with the show, and next to nothing in general.

This story takes place immediately after The Truth. In this version, Oliver kills himself shortly after Ryan and Sandy arrive at the hotel room. In the summary at the end of the chapter the abbreviation IP is chart note shorthand for “identified patient”. The term is used to mean the family member whose problems have motivated the family to seek therapy.

Much thanks to betas Walter and Maud for their wonderful, insightful advice, flawless grammar and patience with my ambivalence. This story, of course, originated out of the obsessive discussions on the TWoP Ryan thread about the Cohens plus one in therapy.

Atwood, Ryan
by
Flash Back

Family Therapy Session #1
Cohen, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth
Atwood, Ryan
2/4/04

It is after dark when Dr. Gary Thomas’s next patients arrive at his upscale offices in Westwood. Sandy and Kirsten Cohen, a middle-aged couple wearing expensive, business-casual suits, sit next to each other in a circle of chairs. Their son, Seth Cohen, and Ryan Atwood position their chairs as far away from the others as possible, then sit down. Ryan, a blond boy and the shorter of the two teenagers, has pushed his chair all the way to the wall and now sits staring at his feet, or past them. Seth sits between Ryan and his parents. He fidgets and looks around the room with an amused half smile. Dr. Thomas sits down next to Sandy, flips on a tape recorder and speaks first.

Hello, I’m Dr. Thomas…Gary’s good, though. We’re pretty informal here. You must be Seth and Ryan. I spoke with your parents last week and we agreed that that I would meet with all of you together as a family for four sessions. We call this brief family therapy. I’d like us to talk first about why we’re here and what we want to accomplish in the next four weeks. Sandy why don’t you start?

Sandy: Well, we thought it might be a good idea to get some outside help because our family has gone through a lot of changes recently that we’re kind of struggling with. I’ve changed jobs, Kirsten and I had some major disagreements over a lawsuit, Ryan came to live with us this summer, and Seth’s just started dating. So it’s been kind of a tough six months and we want to get back on track.

Gary: OK, we’ll hold that thought about getting back on track but we want to hear from everyone first. Kirsten.

Kirsten looks around nervously and twists the rings on her fingers. She shifts here gaze to Gary and concentrates on speaking directly to him. She doesn’t look at the boys.

Kirsten: Like Sandy said, we have had a lot happen, and Ryan is new to our family so we are all trying to figure out how to be a family together. We just want to make sure that we are doing everything that we can to, you know, help him adjust. That’s what I hope we accomplish.

Gary: Seth.

Seth: First, great decor by the way, you’ve really got the potted palm thing workin’, but I don’t know why we’re here. This is so not necessary and Wednesday night, Smallville is on Wednesday night and the Tivo experience is not the same, and it was not that big a deal. Ryan got suspended, hardly earthshaking, it’s not like he killed someone, well maybe he tried but not like he succeeded so I don’t get this. But whatever, I’ll do, like, whatever.

Gary: All right, Ryan.

Ryan glances up briefly and then goes back to studying his shoes.

Ryan: What, they’re here because of me. I messed up again and I’ve screwed up their family and so now we have to do this.

Kirsten sighs. Sandy leans forward and looks annoyed. Definitely annoyed.

Sandy: Ryan, is that what you think? This is not just about you.

Ryan: Yeah, right.

Gary: OK, time out, people. By the end of this session we are going to try to get to some goals but right now we are still talking about why you’re here. About what’s been going on. And it sounds like everyone is saying that something has been going on with Ryan so let’s talk about that first. Sandy, what’s your take on this?

Sandy talks to Gary but never takes his eyes off Ryan.

Sandy: Well, Ryan thinks that this is his fault because he got suspended from Harbor. We were upset about that but we’re not here to assign blame. We’d been thinking about family therapy before that happened, it just kind of made it seem more urgent. Ryan has only been a part of our family for six months so we’ve all had to adjust, even Seth. We’re just here to work on putting our family together. Ryan, look at me. It’s not because you got in trouble.

Ryan does not look up.

Gary: Well, let’s talk about how Ryan came into your family, since it sounds like that’s the biggest change that has happened. I know a little bit about this, Ryan, from talking with Sandy and Kirsten. I know that Sandy was your lawyer and that you met him after getting arrested for a car theft with your brother and that you are living with them because your mother couldn’t take care of you. Is that about right?

Ryan: Yeah, I guess.

Gary: Ryan, can you describe what happened during that first week or two? And I want some details, no one word answers, OK?

Ryan speaks in a monotone and does not look up but he follows Gary’s instructions precisely.

Ryan: I called Sandy because my mother had kicked me out and I stayed with them for a night, but then they wanted me to go back home, so Sandy drove me back but she’d moved out and like left a note. So we went back to his house and they were going to put me in a group home so I ran away and Seth helped me hide out in one of Kirsten’s model homes, but there was an accident and the house burned down so I got arrested again. Seth and Kirsten came to visit me in jail and there was a fight and Kirsten took me home. And then Sandy found my mom but she got drunk and took off again and they decided to keep me after that.

Gary: Thank you for answering so completely, I know that was hard. It sounds like a lot of really rough things happened to you. Why do you think that the Cohens changed their minds and decided to keep you?

Ryan looks at Gary and pauses before answering.

Ryan: I think they felt sorry for me. And Seth really wanted me to stay so they gave in.

Seth: Dude…

Kirsten: Ryan, that is not what happened.

Kirsten’s voice has taken on a brittle edge and she leans forward and looks hard at Ryan, who glances at her and looks away.

Gary: OK, Kirsten, why don’t you tell Ryan what happened from your point of view?

Kirsten: It was complicated, our, my feelings about Ryan staying and what happened at the beginning and the fire and then his mother…

She looks over at Sandy. Sandy shifts forward and starts to speak but Gary signals him with his hand to wait. He shifts his attention back to Kirsten.

Gary: I think that it’s important that Ryan hear from you. Ryan can’t listen to you if you don’t talk to him.

Kirsten starts to speak reluctantly, but her voice gathers strength as she seems to realize that what she has to say is important. She fixes Ryan with a steady gaze that he does not return.

Kirsten: Well, Ryan knows that when Sandy first brought him home I wasn’t too happy about it. I mean, he had been in jail and I was worried about Seth. And then Ryan and Seth went out and got drunk and got in a fight the first night he was with us so I was pretty upset. And then there was the whole running away and the model home fire. And maybe when I got him out of jail it was partly because I felt sorry for him but also I had started really liking him. Ryan, don’t you know that we like you? And then seeing the way that his mother treated him just was so sad. But that’s not all it was. Ryan and Seth did get along really well, right from the beginning. And it just started to seem right. It seemed like he belonged with us. Ryan, that’s why I asked you to stay, I just wanted you with us. I couldn’t picture our family without you.

Gary: Ryan, do you hear what Kirsten is saying? Is that different than what you were thinking?

Ryan: Yeah, sort of.

Ryan glances at Kirsten and his eyes are soft and apologetic. He doesn’t want her angry.

Gary: Seth, what has Ryan joining your family been like for you?

Seth: It’s been awesome. Well, maybe not last week with the whole Oliver-psycho-thing but in general, definitely awesome. My life totally sucked before Ryan. I had no friends whatsoever and I never left the house and Ryan is the first person I met who I actually liked or who liked me or whatever. But, yeah, total improvement.

Ryan looks up while Seth is speaking and watches him intently. Seth eyes flick between Ryan and Gary and he seems very comfortable talking, in this office, in this situation. He leans back in his chair and seems not to feel the strangeness of this, the awkwardness that the others feel.

Gary: And I gather from the story that you fought pretty hard to keep him in your family.

Seth: Yeah, I did. It was really important. I didn’t want him to leave. I’m still worried about him leaving. Especially recently with all of the trouble at school. If Ryan left my life would totally suck again.

Ryan looks steadily at Seth and his voice is determined and angry.

Ryan: That’s not true, you have Summer and Anna now. You were even friends with Oliver.

Seth returns Ryan’s glare with a half smile and an apologetic shrug.

Seth: Look, I said that I was sorry about that. What do you want?

Gary: We are definitely getting back to this Oliver person in later sessions but now, help me out here, I’m still trying to get everyone’s perspective. Sandy, can you tell me about Ryan coming into the family from your point of view?

Sandy: We’ve pretty well covered it. I think I wanted him in the family before Kirsten did. He appealed to me a lot right away. He reminds me of myself at that age. Ryan’s a really smart kid. He has so much potential. And Ryan and Seth are good for each other. In the end, it was Kirsten’s decision, though.

He looks at her with a smile that she doesn’t return. She shifts nervously in her chair and fiddles with her necklace. Sandy doesn’t seem to notice.

Gary: Why’s that? Isn’t that the kind of decision you would make together?

Sandy: Have you met my wife?

She’s heard that too many times and is definitely angry now.

Kirsten: Sandy, I do not make all of the decisions alone.

His voice sounds amused but there is nothing amused in his eyes.

Sandy: Yes, you have been known to let me program the Tivo. OK, maybe that’s not fair. She’s strong willed, but I’m not that easy to live with either. She was just pretty set in her mind about Ryan in the beginning and so it had to be something that we both wanted or it wouldn’t have worked. It wouldn’t have been good for Ryan. But when she decided that she wanted him to join our family I was delighted. I still am. Ryan thinks that we’ve been having second thoughts because there’ve been problems recently, but we’re not. We’re glad that he’s with us and we want to work things out.

Gary: OK, Sandy, you’ve brought up some interesting issues about how you and Kirsten make decisions, so I’d like to talk about that a little more. Just so I can get more of a sense of how your family works. How did you decide rules for the boys? What are the rules? Like curfews and chores and that kind of thing.

Silence

Gary: Anyone?

Sandy: Well, I guess we don’t have a lot of rules. We never had to have any for Seth because he basically never left the house and then when Ryan came along it seemed sort of awkward.

Gary: Awkward?

Kirsten’s voice becomes tight with frustration and embarrassment.

Kirsten: What Sandy is trying to say is that I’m sure that the boys know what they are supposed to do.

Gary: Well, all right, let’s see what they think the rules are. Seth, someone mentioned that you and Ryan got drunk the first night he was at your house. What’s the drinking rule?

Seth: Don’t mix wine with hard liquor. Don’t swim half an hour after drinking. Dude, I don’t know. They probably think we’re not supposed to drink but every kid in Newport drinks.

Gary: So I gather that you and Ryan do also.

Seth: Well not to excess. I like to think we have more style than that.

Sandy: Seth, stop it.

Sandy leans toward Seth and fixes him with a stare that is supposed to be menacing. Seth seems delighted. Ryan glances at Sandy and then glares a warning at Seth that he ignores.

Seth: Well come on, Dad, you know this is stupid. You and Mom can’t make some lame no- drinking rule. We would be social pariahs. And speaking as a former pariah, not a good state.

Sandy: We already have a lame no drinking rule as you put it. You’re not allowed to drink, Ryan’s not allowed to drink. You are both sixteen.

Gary: OK, I’m getting the picture that the drinking rule may be still under debate so let’s talk about curfew, Ryan?

Ryan makes full eye contact with Gary and rattles off his response.

Ryan: Midnight, eleven on school nights.

Gary: Seth, why are you laughing?

Seth: Ryan is such a suck-up. He’s just making this stuff up.

Ryan: Seth…

Gary: All right, so curfew may be up for debate, too. What about chores?

Seth: We have a maid and a whole team of gardeners. If we did chores we would put them out of work. It’s our civic duty to lie around.

Only Seth is amused. Sandy smolders. Kirsten crosses her arms and withdraws from all of them. Ryan seems nervous. He tries to signal Seth with his eyes to stop but Seth just smiles brightly back at him. Ryan does not like this. He tries to move his chair further back but he is already against the wall.

Sandy: Seth, you are having way too much fun and there’s nothing comical about this.

Seth: Well this is lame, Dad. What are we doing here anyway? Are you and Mom going to like come up with a list of rules now? Because of this guy?

Gary: Part of what we are trying to do here is work on communication within your family. Your parents say that there are rules and that you and Ryan should know what they are. It sounds like you and Ryan may not know all of them or you may not agree with them. So, yes, I think that it would be a good idea to write them down so we can talk about them. Sandy and Kirsten, I would like you two to talk about what you think the rules for the boys should be and write them down so we can discuss them here next week. Can you do that?

Kirsten: Yes, we will, but it’s not really necessary. Seth knows what the rules are. He’s just upset over missing Smallville.

Gary: Well, humor me. Because I would like to know for sure what the rules are. Often, in families a lot of stuff is just assumed. Part of what family therapy can do is help you to really listen and hear each other. So that you don’t have to just assume things but can know for sure. All right, the hour is nearly up so I would like each of you to state a personal goal for these sessions. One thing that you would like to have better or different as a result of doing this. Sandy, can I start with you?

Sandy regroups and does his best closing summation voice.

Sandy: I just want our family to work. I want the boys to be happy and to have everyone stay out of trouble.

Gary: OK, Kirsten.

Kirsten looks and sounds tired. She looks between Gary and Ryan and hesitates. Gary smiles reassuringly and she draws her breath in and seems to decides to just do it. She looks at Ryan and while he won’t hold her gaze he keeps glancing back up and she doesn’t look away.

Kirsten: Well, this is kind of personal and Ryan, don’t take this wrong, but I wish that you could stop blaming me for not wanting you in the beginning.

Ryan: God, Kirsten, why would I blame you for being right? I don’t blame you.

Ryan sounds astonished. He looks at her to see if she is serious. Their eyes lock and she looks sincere and he seems to catch himself from shaking his head in amazement. So it’s just a half shake and a look of puzzlement and then he quickly looks down again to hide all of it.

Kirsten: OK, well maybe I blame myself.

Gary: Kirsten, that took a lot of courage to say. And Ryan maybe you can hear that Kirsten still feels badly about the way that your relationship started. Ryan, you look surprised? Are you?

Ryan: I guess. It’s her house. Why would she want me in it? I get that.

Gary: Can you talk to her directly, not to me? Tell her that you understand.

Ryan shifts in his chair very slowly but finally looks directly at Kirsten.

Ryan: Look, I understand why you didn’t want to take me in. I’m just trouble. Why would you want me around? I don’t blame you for that.

Kirsten sounds very nervous but also very determined.

Kirsten: Ryan, you shouldn’t talk about yourself like that. You’re not trouble. I wish that I could take back the way that the first two weeks went. You still seem nervous around me, not like how you are with Sandy and Seth. I think that it’s because of how we started. Is it?

Ryan: I don’t know, maybe. I’m not used to being around people like you. People who have everything.

Kirsten: Not everything Ryan, I don’t have your trust.

Ryan doesn’t answer that and doesn’t meet her eyes. He crosses his arms over his chest and presses against the back of his chair.

Gary: Kirsten and Ryan, you two just did a good job of trying to talk about something that has hurt both of you. You won’t be able to change this all at once. You are both going to need to come back to it. It sounds like trust and just feeling comfortable around each other are goals for both of you. Just saying that this is a problem is progress. OK Seth, what do you want to get out of therapy?

Seth: World peace…OK, I want Mom and Dad to get off Ryan’s case so we can just be normal. Nothing happened, OK, we’re fine.

Gary: Seth, that sounds like more of a goal for Ryan and your parents than for you. What do you want?

Seth: Well off my case too I guess. They treat me like I’m eight. Being in our family is like daily humiliation. I’m surprised they don’t pin my gloves to my sleeves. I have no car and that’s not just Dad’s conspicuous consumption hang-ups. It’s control. So off my case, definitely.

Gary: OK, Seth that was good and specific. We’re going to talk more next week about what your parents’ rules are so you’ll have a chance to talk about these no freedom questions. Ryan, what about you?

Ryan has not recovered from his exchange with Kirsten. He still has his arms crossed and when he does speak his voice is flat and almost too quiet to hear.

Ryan: I want all of them to go back to feeling like their lives are OK. To stop feeling like I screwed them up.

Gary: OK, Ryan, that’s what you want for your family. What do you want for yourself?

Ryan: The same thing. I don’t want to feel like I screwed up their lives.

Gary: Do you want to ask them if you’ve screwed up their lives?

Ryan: No, they’ll say no. I’m not stupid.

Annoyance and concern ripples through the room. Sandy, Kirsten and Seth exchange glances and lean forward. They all start to speak and then no one does.

Gary: All right, who’s going to take this one? Sandy, your job, I think?

Sandy: Ryan, you haven’t screwed up our lives. Our lives have been better since we met you. Our family is better. You must be able to see that with Seth. It’s true for Kirsten and me as well. I don’t know how to reassure you. We’re not fragile. The things that have gone wrong have not hurt us. And it’s not about keeping score anyway. You mean a lot more to us than the sum of the good and bad things that happen. I don’t know how to make you see this.

Ryan doesn’t look up but he listens and uncrosses his arms. And finally breathes raggedly as though he’s been holding his breath.

Gary: All right. I’m going to try to summarize. Your family has gone through a lot of change. The biggest change is that you added a new family member this summer and you are all still adjusting. But Ryan, this is not just about you. You are not a problem to be solved. I want to make sure that you hear that. All families change and grow. It’s natural and it’s also natural for change to be difficult. We are going to work together for the next three weeks to try to improve communication and make living in your family more satisfying for all of you.

OK, one paperwork detail. I need a release of information signed so that I can get Ryan’s child welfare records. It will help me to have all of the background information that I can. Ryan is it OK with you if I look at your records?

Ryan: I don’t care. There’s nothing in them.

Gary: OK, so we’ll do this again next week.

__________________________________

2/4/04 Progress Note

First session with Cohen family. IP is Ryan Atwood. 16 year old foster son, living with the family since 8/03 in a private guardianship arrangement. Ryan presents as a Caucasian, male adolescent oriented x 3, cooperative but guarded, affect somewhat restricted, cognition above average, judgment fair, insight undetermined. Significant history of criminal and child welfare involvement. History of aggression and violence although none displayed during session. Working diagnosis is 309.4 Adjustment Disorder with Mixed Disturbance of Emotions and Conduct. Rule out 309.81 Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

Parents are Sandy and Kirsten Cohen (ages 40 and 36), Caucasian, wealthy, professional couple married 17 years with one son, Seth, age 16 also present during session.

Family initially denied but eventually identified IP as the motivation for therapy. IP has had recent school suspensions and physical conflicts with an adolescent who committed suicide last week. IP and father witnessed the suicide and the family has been traumatized by these events. IP’s role in this suicide is unclear and will be further explored. IP expresses considerable guilt about his disruption of the family’s functioning around this and other incidents. Sibling is protective of IP and seeks to divert attention to himself.

This session explored IP’s entry into the family. Father and sibling were very eager to add IP to their family for unclear reasons. Mother was initially opposed but changed her mind over a two week period during which IP was subjected to multiple traumas. There are considerable unresolved issues within this family about the process by which the IP was assimilated. The family is defensive about these conflicts although all members seem aware of them. Some progress was made during the session to discuss mother’s initial unwillingness to accept IP. IP denies resentment and residual anger but he acknowledges that their relationship is tense and untrusting.

Rules and family structure were discussed and seem loose. Sibling is parentified and largely unsupervised. There seems to have been little structure provided for the IP which is significant given the IP’s probationary status and the Father’s role in the juvenile justice system. There may be communication and power issues between the parents that merit further exploration.

Releases of information completed to obtain child welfare and juvenile court records. Next session scheduled for 2/11/04

*******************************************************

Family Therapy Session #2
Cohen, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth
Atwood, Ryan
2/11/04

It is a week later when Dr. Thomas again meets with the Cohen/Atwood family. He asks the parents to meet with him first, leaving Ryan and Seth in the waiting room. Seth is listening to his i-Pod and Ryan is pretending to read Elizabethan poetry in Norton’s Anthology. Ryan anxiously watches Sandy and Kirsten leave the room.

Gary: Sandy and Kirsten, I wanted to meet with you alone first. We’ll bring the boys in in a minute but I wanted to talk with you about Ryan’s child welfare records. Sandy, have you seen these?

Sandy: Probably not. What I had was the juvenile court summary. Ryan didn’t have any priors, so it was mainly the family’s arrest records. Ryan’s father and brother had been in court several times, there were some domestic violence complaints, one arrest of the mother for possession, that sort of thing. I saw Ryan’s school report. You know, his grades, truancy, fighting.

Gary: Did you see the psychiatric evaluation that the school did two years ago?

Sandy and Kirsten seem surprised

Sandy: No, what was that for?

Gary: Well, the school requested it before they would readmit him. It was following a fight, it sounds like he got really out of control. There were no weapons involved, so that’s good.

Sandy: What happened with the evaluation?

Gary: Nothing much, they interviewed Ryan and his mother. It sounds like Ryan said all of the right things to the psychologist because they let him back in school even though he’d put the other kid in the hospital. The evaluation recommended counseling but it doesn’t look like it ever happened. He changed schools right after that. Have you ever watched Ryan hit anyone?

Kirsten and Sandy exchange nervous glances.

Kirsten: There was a fight at cotillion. But Ryan was fine. He just tackled this other person and he didn’t seem out of control. We’ve actually never seen him in a fight with another kid. Seth has, though. Do you think we should be worried?

Gary: I think you should be alert. Ryan’s got a history of fighting. There was domestic violence in the family, with different men. It looks like Ryan’s mother was in a series of bad relationships. There’s a lot more. The child welfare record is pretty bad. Why did Ryan tell me last week that there wouldn’t be anything in his record? He’s been questioned a number of times during investigations. He had to know there would be a record.

Kirsten looks concerned and a little panicked. Sandy is fine with this.

Sandy: Ryan’s pretty good at avoiding things that he doesn’t want to think about. What’s in the record?

Gary: A number of suspected abuse reports, a broken arm when he was ten, bruises reported at school when he was thirteen and fourteen. He and his brother got left alone for a week when he was eight. He was in foster care for several months after that. Did you know that he’d been in foster care?

Sandy: No, Ryan doesn’t talk about this stuff. He doesn’t talk about his past at all. And he doesn’t like it when we try to talk about it.

Gary: Well, there’s more. There was a sexual abuse investigation when he was twelve. It was dropped. The guy had moved out and Ryan and his mother denied it so it wasn’t pursued. Is Ryan sexually active?

Kirsten looks like she’s going to be sick. Sandy reaches over and takes her hand and is momentarily thoughtful. With an effort he pulls it together and decides to go with humor.

Sandy: Well, active’s kind of an understatement. We’ve been amused by how good he is with the ladies. Maybe we should have been concerned instead.

Gary: Yes, concerned. Most kids his age are not really comfortable with sex. If Ryan seems very practiced you need to be aware of it. Ryan has had a lot of hard experiences. Even though he doesn’t seem to be dealing with his past it’s going to come out in his behavior.

Kirsten: What should we do?

Gary: Just what you are already doing. Be his parents. You can’t change what happened to him. Would it have changed your decision? If you had known all of this would you still have taken him in?

Kirsten hesitates and exchanges glances with Sandy

Kirsten: Yes, I think so, I hope so. We’ve always suspected that he’d been through a lot. It’s just hard to hear the details. It makes it so real.

Sandy: What’s the effect of this on kids? What can we expect?

Gary: Probably what you’re already seeing. Anxiety, trouble trusting people, feelings of worthlessness, maybe nightmares, depression, acting out. Promiscuity is common. So is violence. I guess you’ve already got that one for sure with Ryan.

Kirsten: Yeah, we’ve got most of them with Ryan. But not depression. I don’t think he’s depressed. He’s moody and he broods. I think he hides a lot of what he’s feeling from us. From me particularly. Sandy’s more comfortable with all of this than I am. I guess Ryan knows that.

Kirsten looks overwhelmed and apprehensive. She seems as though she is trying to tolerate this, trying to deal with it but it is so unpleasant.

Gary: Well, we need to bring the boys back in. They’re going to get suspicious if we talk for too long. They’ll think we’re plotting. If it’s OK with you I suggest that I tell Ryan that I’ve seen his record and discussed it with you? No details, just a statement. So that this isn’t a secret any more.

Kirsten: Ryan doesn’t want us to know.

Gary: I know that. But as his parents you need to know. Ryan needs to believe that you can handle it. And that you won’t reject him because of it. I won’t push him to talk about it in here, and I don’t think that you should push him at home. He’s not ready. But we need to send him a message that the adults in his life can know about what happened to him without coming unglued. We have to normalize this experience for him so that he can start to integrate it into his life. He has to know that you know. How are you two doing? If you are too distressed he is going to sense it.

Kirsten makes a visible effort to compose herself. She smiles weakly at Gary and Sandy and gives them a “what can you do” shrug. She’ll do her best. Sandy seems back in control. His initial rage at what Ryan has been through has been contained.

Sandy: We’re fine. I just wish that we could get Ryan to let us help him more.

Gary: He’s living with you, he’s dependent on you. I think he trusts you more than he knows.
_______________________

The family regroups and the boys again hug the perimeter of the room.

Seth: Conference with the door closed. What was that about?

Gary: It concerned Ryan, mainly. Ryan, I got your child welfare records and I’ve discussed them with your parents. I think that they are pretty complete and detailed and they go back to when you were eight. So I just want you to know that we’ve been talking about your past and that it’s OK to bring up your past in here if you want to.

Ryan: Great.

Gary: This is family therapy. We’re here to talk about stuff that is going on with your family now. But if you want to talk about anything from your past either here or privately with your parents, it’s OK. They can handle it.

Ryan is angry and his voice is cold. He makes eye contact for once.

Ryan: I’m not going to talk about this. With you or them.

Gary: They’re your parents. They have to know about your past and the things that have happened to you. It’s OK.

Silence….more silence

Gary: All right, I want to pick up where we left off last week. I want everyone to check in first. Tell me what’s been happening this last week. Sandy, could you start?

Sandy: Well, it was a pretty good week I think. Ryan went back to school, so he’s no longer suspended or grounded. Things felt calmed down this week. Last week with the funeral, the boys’ friends were around a lot and all of the kids were upset because of Oliver’s suicide. It’s hit everyone pretty hard. Now, I feel like we are finally moving forward.

Gary: Kirsten, what about you?

Kirsten seems nervous but she seems to be trying hard to look normal. She makes a point of looking at Ryan as often as the others. Not staring and not avoiding, like with handicapped people on the sidewalk.

Kirsten: It’s been OK. I think I’ve been feeling breakable. The suicide was so awful and then I’ve been worried about Ryan. I have just been feeling like everything is fragile and can fall apart. So I’ve kind of been a mess. This week felt better than last week.

Seth: Mom, get a grip. Day time television, not a good idea. You are getting way too Oprah. Go back to work already. Why are you still home? All right, this week. Dude, the parents were around entirely too much. It’s amazing I’m so normal. Our friends are still talking like all the time about Oliver and I’m over it. Thank God for Ryan. He doesn’t talk.

Gary: All right, Ryan, how was your week?

Ryan: Fine.

Gary: Oh, my mistake. I forgot to discuss the three sentence rule. Check-in requires at least three complete sentences. Try again, Ryan.

Ryan: My week was fine. I’m back in school. Oliver’s still dead.

Gary: Thank you, much better. All right, it sounds like things are sort of going back to normal but everyone is still recovering from the suicide. Kirsten, Seth said that you’re still at home. Have you taken time off from work?

Kirsten looks relieved that he’s tossed her an easy one.

Kirsten: I’ve been working from home. I started doing it last week because Ryan was suspended and we didn’t want him home alone. And then I’ve been really upset about the suicide and I guess I’ve been questioning how much Sandy and I work with all of the recent problems.

Seth rolls his eyes with sound effects for Ryan’s benefit but Ryan ignores him.

Gary: Well, how much do you and Sandy work? What are your schedules like?

Sandy: It varies a lot week to week. A couple months ago we had a big lawsuit going on and we were both working until late most nights. It’s not always like that. We try to be home in the evening but sometimes we can’t be.

Gary: Well, this gets back to the rules that we started to talk about a bit last week. What happens on nights when neither of you are home?

Kirsten: What do you mean?

Gary: What do the boys do? How do you know when they get home and what they’re doing?

Kirsten: They’re supposed to come home after school and do their homework. We trust them.

Gary: Are they always home when you get back?

Kirsten: Seth usually is. Not always. I guess I’m not sure about Ryan because I don’t always know when he comes home, unless I see his lights on.

Gary: His lights on? Where does he live?

Kirsten: We let Ryan stay in the pool house. It’s nice, it’s more private.

She seems defensive and maybe angry.

Gary: OK, I’m just a little surprised that you would want him to have his own place. Doesn’t that make it hard for you to know what he’s doing?

One glance at Kirsten and Ryan knows that she’s upset.

Ryan: I like the pool house.

Seth: Yeah, the pool house is like way better than my room. I have pool house envy. I still don’t see how Ryan got it. I’ve been wanting to move into the pool house since Hailey lived out there. And they would never let me do it.

Gary: OK, explain the difference. Why did you not want Seth to live in the pool house but you OK’d it for Ryan?

Kirsten looks annoyed and when she doesn’t respond Sandy steps in quickly.

Sandy: Ryan stayed in the pool house when he first lived with us because he was like a guest at that point. And then when we made things permanent, he was already living there so he just stayed. It seemed good for him to have his privacy. So he wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed by having a new family.

Gary: OK, what is the down side? If Seth had been nagging for the pool house for years why didn’t you want him to live there?

Sandy is reasonable and patient and seems determined to act like he doesn’t know where this is going.

Sandy: Well Seth had no good reason to move out to the pool house. He was already isolating himself so much, we didn’t want to encourage that. He hardly came out of his room as it was. If he had a separate house he wouldn’t even have been part of the family.

Gary: So I hear you saying that it would be harder to make your son feel like part of the family if he lived in a separate building.

Sandy still isn’t showing a trace of annoyance.

Sandy: All right, point taken. But Ryan knows that he’s part of the family whether or not he’s living in a separate building.

Gary: But as an experiment. What would happen if the boys traded rooms? Say for a month.

Ryan: I don’t know.

Seth: Awesome. Tonight, man, we are doing it. You can start packing.

Sandy and Kirsten exchange quick glances and decide to do it. But they seem vaguely annoyed.

Gary: This is up to the parents. What do you think?

Kirsten: I’m OK with them trading rooms. But Ryan, do you not want to do this? It might be nice for you to live in the house instead. I’ve always kind of had mixed feelings about letting you keep the pool house. It seemed sort of separate. But I don’t want you to feel like you’re giving up something.

Ryan can’t figure out which way she wants it to go, it’s just too close to call.

Ryan: It’s all right. I’ll do what you want.

Sandy: Ryan, what you want matters too.

Sandy sounds worried.

Ryan: Living in the house seems kind of weird. I’m used to the pool house. But that used to feel weird too so I guess I could get used to living in the house.

Gary: Ryan, if you are not strongly opposed to the idea I would like you to try switching rooms with Seth as an experiment. You can all think of it as temporary. To see how it feels. Would that be all right?

Ryan: Yeah, all right.

Gary: OK, so that’s a plan. You see, Seth, therapy’s not so bad.

Seth: Dude, you are my hero. I’m going to light candles in front of your picture.

Seth beams and rocks in his chair. The rest look relieved that they got through that. Not so bad. Manageable.

Gary: New topic. Last week we talked about rules and Sandy and Kirsten were going to talk and come up with a list of what they expected you boys to do. How did that project go?

Sandy: We got ‘em right here.

Gary: Well, first tell me how that went between the two of you. How did you decide?

Sandy: We agreed on a lot of points. Kirsten’s stricter than I am. But we compromised, I guess.

Kirsten smiles fondly at him.

Kirsten: Yeah, after you argued your position for an hour. But we did get a list together. I still think that this is all stuff that Seth already knows. Maybe we haven’t been explicit enough with Ryan, though. I forget sometimes that he hasn’t grown up with us. And maybe he doesn’t know what we expect.

Gary: Well, we’ll find out. Let’s hear the list.

Sandy: All right. First, no drinking or drugs. None whatsoever. We don’t care what your friends are doing. That said, the second rule is no driving when impaired. And making that the second rule makes it sound like we’re not serious about the first rule, but we still are. What we’re saying is that if you break the first rule you sure as hell better not break the second rule. So maybe we need to change the order of these rules. Because not driving if you are impaired is the most important rule. So we want you to know if you get in that situation we want you to call us for a ride. And if you do that we are not going to get mad because not driving is so important

OK, we expect you home by one on weekends and eleven on school nights. And you need to call if you’re not going to make it home on time.

We expect you both to carry your cell phones with you when you’re away from the house. That’s why we pay for cell phones. To keep track of you.

Girlfriends are not allowed to stay overnight in your rooms.

We don’t want either of you getting in fights. OK, Ryan, I guess that’s mainly directed at you.
You kids have to do your homework every night and we expect you to at least get C’s in all of your courses, or C+, well B-. You know, something reasonable. All right, that’s it.

Seth: Girls overnight, Dad, I wish. Did you or Mom come up with that one? Mom, right?

Gary: OK, what about you, Ryan?

Ryan: S’cool.

Gary: Do you think you’re going to have any trouble following these?

Ryan: I’ve been trying not to get in fights since I got here. I was doing OK until Oliver.

Gary: Well, his name keeps coming up. Maybe we should talk about him now. Ryan, what happened with Oliver?

Ryan shifts uncomfortably as everyone turns to look at him.

Ryan: You’ve already heard this story, right? You know what happened.

Gary: I’ve heard some of it but I’d like to hear about it from you. And your family needs to talk about it together.

Ryan sinks into his chair and speaks very softly and carefully. He fixes is eyes on a spot on the carpet.

Ryan: I’m tired of this. We’ve been talking about it for weeks. Nothing’s going to change. Oliver’s still going to be dead.

Gary: Do you feel sorry that he’s dead?

Ryan: I don’t know. I didn’t want him around but I wasn’t trying to get him killed.

Gary: Could you tell us what happened between you and Oliver? How you met him, the conversations that you had, that sort of thing.

Ryan shifts uncomfortably and speaks in a monotone.

Ryan: Marissa met him in therapy and he started hanging around her all the time. He acted weird but no one believed me. So I read his file to find out what was wrong with him. I got in trouble for that and I took a letter that Marissa had. She got angry about it but it showed that he was obsessed with her. She didn’t believe me. He admitted to my face what he was doing and I hit him. So then I got suspended. She called me when he went nuts on her and we went to the hotel. That was when he shot himself.

Gary: You said he was acting weird. Weird in what way? What did he do?

Ryan glances at Gary and then speaks carefully

Ryan: He tried to run me down with a golf cart, he started screaming and hitting his head, he faked a suicide attempt, he got busted buying cocaine, he made up a story about having a girlfriend.

Kirsten gasps and Sandy stares at Ryan in disbelief. Seth shifts uncomfortable in his chair and does not look at his parents.

Kirsten: He tried to run you down? Why didn’t you tell us any of this?

Ryan’s voice is angry and cold.

Ryan: Why bother? I told Seth and he didn’t believe me. I told you I thought he was weird. You didn’t believe me. You thought I was jealous. You all did.

Seth slumps in his chair and stares at the floor. Sandy is angry and disturbed but seems determined to sound patient.

Sandy: Ryan, you have to give people more information to go on. There’s a big difference between “he’s acting weird” and “he tried to run me down”. We asked you over and over to talk to us about what was going on. Why didn’t you trust us enough to tell us what was happening?

Ryan begins to breath hard and glances toward the door.

Ryan: You didn’t want to talk about what was wrong with him. You just wanted to talk about what was wrong with me. How I’d screwed up.

Sandy’s voice takes on a hard, challenging edge.

Sandy: You’re right. Our first concern was your behavior. We’re responsible for you, not Oliver. You broke into the school and you beat him up. Those are serious charges. You could have gone back to juvie. You could have been taken away from us. Don’t you care?

Ryan is now matching Sandy’s anger and glaring at him.

Ryan: What difference does it make? You’re going to kick me out sooner or later. You didn’t believe me. It never occurred to you that I might be right. And I was right. He was dangerous and now he’s dead.

Sandy is clearly agitated. He looks at Kirsten who is withdrawn and silent. She seems overwhelmed by the conflict. Seth avoids eye contact with his parents. Ryan glares at Sandy with a look that Gary can not read for sure but which might be hate.

Sandy: Yeah, you were right. Oliver was dangerous. Are you saying that you’re not dangerous? You attacked him and I understand that it took three people to pull you off. Were you going to kill him? I found out today that you put some kid in a hospital two years ago. You say Oliver is crazy. Do you think what you did was sane?

Ryan gets to his feet and looks around the room like he is trapped. He is breathing hard and his eyes are wide with rage.

Ryan: So you found out all about me. Great. Now you really think I’m crazy. Why should I talk to you? What am I doing here? I’m done with this.

Sandy and Gary have both gotten to their feet and move toward Ryan. Sandy reaches out his hand but Ryan moves quickly out of his range and bolts from the room. Sandy starts to follow him but Gary stops him with an urgent hand gesture.

Gary: Maybe you better let him calm down. What will he do?

Sandy: I don’t know. Smoke a pack of cigarettes and wander around, probably.

Gary: Has this happened before? Does he come back on his own?

Sandy looks frustrated and dazed and Kirsten attempts to help

Kirsten: He’s taken off before but always come back within a few hours. But we’re in Westwood. We had better go look for him. Maybe he just went out to the car.

Gary: All right, well I guess we’re done for the day. When you locate him try to calm everything down. Don’t resume this discussion. Remind him of rules and limits. Tell him that when he takes off you worry about him. I know it will seem strange but when he gets home go ahead with what we discussed in here about changing rooms. Don’t let his behavior change the decisions that you make. Please call me as soon as you locate him. We may move up your appointment time. I’d like to schedule the next session as soon as possible.

__________________________________

2/11/04 Progress Note

Second session with Cohen family. IP is Ryan Atwood.

Reviewed IP’s clinical history with parents prior to session. History confirms suspected long term neglect and physical abuse, possible molestation at age 12. Parents were not aware of the extent or severity of prior abuse. There has been little prior clinical intervention. Psychiatric evaluation for one incident of severe assault against a peer two years ago found no clear pathology. Violence seems to be a learned behavior within a chaotic and abusive environment. IP has both witnessed and been subjected to numerous violent incidents. The report states that he exhibits poor impulse control although he can articulate an adequate statement of why violence is wrong. From history and recent incidents it seems probable that he has little insight into his actions.

During session, IP was informed that parents had been made aware of the contents of his chart. He seemed guarded and was unwilling to discuss. Father’s reference to IP’s history later in the session seemed to provoke agitation, hostility and complete withdrawal. It is significant that IP has received no prior clinical services. He originally claimed no knowledge of the existence of records suggesting shame/secrecy or perhaps disassociation.

The parents were encouraged to define rules and expectations for IP and sibling. The family was able to do this with little difficulty although it is unclear why limits were previously vague. Further exploration revealed that IP has been sleeping/living in a separate building on the property of the family home. The family has clearly colluded with IP to enable his continued isolation . The family, with the exception of sibling, were defensive about this arrangement although it became apparent that IP tries to anticipate and meet the needs of other family members. The family agreed to have the IP and sibling exchange rooms for one month. The underlying isolation and identity issues were not addressed and the family minimizes their significance.

Events leading up to the suicide two weeks ago were discussed. IP maintains a rigid focus upon the fact that events supported his initial assessment. He feels that he was proved right and rejects the family for not believing him. Insight into his own role in events is impaired. Father challenged his view and their interactions became confrontational. IP left the session in an agitated state when Father introduced IP’s history of violent outbursts. Parents report that IP frequently leaves when upset and that he has always returned within 24 hours without incident. Parents will keep this writer informed and the next session will be scheduled shortly after IP returns.

The O.C.Fiction

2004-01-26T01:13:07Z

This is my first live journal entry. I'm planning to mainly use this site to post OC fiction. I've been lurking on live journal for months so plan to friend up with the journals that I've been reading if/when I can figure out how to do this.

Here is a general OC/Ryan story that immediately follows the events of The Rivals.
Disclaimer: I own next to nothing and certainly not the characters of the O.C. Believe me when I say that I am not worth suing.

Aftermath
By Flash Back

Ryan, where are you, its 1:00 AM.

Downtown.

Where exactly.

I’m not sure, near Crenshaw.

Well, I’m coming to get you, will you come home now?

Yeah…..I guess.

OK, walk to the corner and tell me the cross streets.

Uh, its Crenshaw and Slauson.

OK, I’ll Mapquest it and be there in half an hour, stay there, is it safe?

Safe enough….

Keep your phone turned on, OK, you’ve had it off.

I know……sorry.

All right, half an hour, bye.

Oh Sandy, where is he? Is he all right?

He’s downtown, I’m going to get him. I don’t think he’s all right, what are we going to do?

I don’t know, just go get him, we’ll talk when you get back.

LA at night. Crenshaw and Slauson is rough. Iron grates on the liquor stores. Sandy drives slow but doesn’t want to call attention to the Beamer in this neighborhood. Checking the slow moving figures on the sidewalks. He’s right on the corner though, where he said he would be, sitting on a stone wall, looking small and young. He comes to the passenger door right away and gets in and doesn’t look over.

You better give me the cigarettes now before Kirstin smells you.

I don’t…(a quick glance meets a hard stare, silence, hands them over).

Three left, I hope this wasn’t a new pack. (silence). You’re going to feel sick tomorrow.

I feel sick now.

Are you hungry? We could In-n-Out a drive through.

I’m not hungry.

Silence. Long drive. Out of LA, back on the highway, heading down the coast. Sandy flips on the classic rock station to fill the car with something. Ryan leans his head against the glass and watches the line on the side of the road. He feels it again, the rage, the blood, her big, scared eyes.

How did you get downtown?

A bus and I walked, I hitched from school.

Were you going to run away?

I don’t know, I was just walking around. Did they call the cops?

No actually. Oliver isn’t pressing charges for some reason. And I don’t think Harbor wants the publicity. So there isn’t a warrant out for you at this point. But you know that probation is going to hear about this.

I know….what’s going to happen?

Well, I guess I’ll call your PO in the morning and try to do some damage control.

More silence. More driving and the yelling hasn’t started yet. The yelling and the talking and the “why did you do this” and “what were you thinking” that he can’t answer. Watching the line on the side of the road.

Ryan, thank god your home. We were so worried. (Hugging him and he can’t return it, doesn’t deserve it, not these tears).

The kitchen lights glare off the hard surfaces like a police station. He doesn’t even try to meet their eyes but he doesn’t walk away either. He waits. He knows he should offer them something but “sorry” doesn’t seem like enough. Sorry for who I am, sorry I exist.

Did you eat, I can make you a sandwich.

I’m not hungry, thanks, I’m sorry…

Can you try to talk about it, can you tell us what happened.

He’s just weird, he’s a sick kid, I didn’t mean to hit him but he said something and I just started hitting him. I couldn’t stop, I’m sorry.

Ryan, look, your tired, Kirstin and I are tired, we’re not going to be able to sort this out tonight. We all have to meet with Dr. Kim tomorrow morning. You’re going to get punished for this but we don’t even know where to start. Lets just go to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow once we know what the school is going to do and I talk to your PO. OK, just go to bed.

‘Kay….goodnight….thanks.

He doesn’t put the shades down in the poolhouse. The lights from the house reflect off the water and shine across his bed. He lies in the glare of the lights and looks over into the house until finally their bed room light switches off. He can’t sleep, too many cigarettes and its all still pounding but he tries to breath and pulls up the cashmere throw that Kirstin bought him for Christmas. It’s very soft against his face and he almost wants to put it in his mouth. He tries to will his heart to stop pounding and knows that he will get through tomorrow and the day after that and do what he has to do to try to fix this. Tomorrow, not tonight. Tonight he just has to sleep.